why am I terrified?
After experiencing the Northridge Earthquake, while living in Studio City, not far from the fault line, I developed a fear of unexpected noises. A plastic hamper of socks dropped to the floor behind me sent me over the edge. The unseen cat pouncing onto my lap had me jumping straight up into the air. I had one friend in California, who after every single after shock, would get up, and just run; out the door, down the road, despite the fact that she knew she was supposed to crouch under a solid table or stand in the doorway...she ran. We were terrified.
Almost immediately after the shooting at my children's school, I developed a fear of driving. Four years later, I am still afraid. The fragility of life still rings in my ears. Something about the helplessness, the no control. Fear has an incredible way of growing, if you feed it, and boy, did I feed it. Like an Italian Grandma on a Sunday, I fed it. And so the fear got worse. Teaching my son to drive was in impossibility for me. Driving on unfamiliar roads was paralyzing. What if my car breaks down? What if the other drivers on the road are careless? Even if I use my turn signal, and stop at the stop light, none of that guarantees me my safety. Because the unthinkable had already happened, what was to prevent it from happening again? I am not in control, therefor, I am afraid.
And fear makes us do crazy things. I believe that almost all anger is fear based; just take a look at our country. And why are we so afraid? Well, because we are human. Because as much as we like to believe that we are in control of our lives, our children, our bodies, our future, we are not. Life is often unpredictable, and yes, it is most fragile, and for those of us who lack faith, this is terrifying. So long as we put our hope in ourselves, or other people, we will remain in fear. The only way to conquer fear is to have faith. We do not have the ability to save ourselves. Only God saves.
But boy, this truth can be tough, because I totally lack faith. I am no different than Peter in the boat in the middle of the storm, screaming at sleeping Jesus to wake the heck up and help me before I flipping drown!!! And so today's Gospel (Mark 4:35-41) is such an important reminder. Storms happen. And they will continue to happen. But Jesus is in that storm with us and He has the power to quiet it all. And so long as we remain in the boat with Him, fighting off the impulse to run when the earth shakes beneath us, and instead, choosing to remain in the center of Gods will, we will be safe. And I know this can be hard to believe...because isn't the next thought we go to,"Well, if Jesus is really there, why doesn't he stop the storm sooner? If Jesus is really with us, why on earth do so many awful things happen?? Why would a good God allow so much evil?" And dear friends, I totally get this. Trust me, I have a suitcase full of "if only's" and "why didn't He's" stored under my bed, that I can conveniently reach and unpack on my highly doubtful, self focused days. But I also have another bag that I like to go through and ponder...and that bag is full of "I wonder?" I wonder...what if He did stop the storm? What if He saves us day after day, storm after storm, from so much worse, so much more frightening, than our human minds can ever imagine? I wonder how much is He at battle for me every single moment of the day, that I am completely oblivious to? I wonder.
In my most fearful moments I need to remember this. God is all powerful. He is Christ the Lord. If I stay close to Him, I will be safe.
Lord, Almighty God, thank you for keeping me safe. Please increase my faith. Because I am always scared. I mean, always. I am afraid of losing people I love, not having enough to provide, not doing my job well, having no control over any aspect of my life, the unpredictable. I am afraid of sleeping alone, I am afraid of strange noises, I am afraid of the phone ringing, and the man at the door in a fed ex shirt, because I mean Lord, how do I really know he is from fed ex?? Oh good grief Lord, please help me. Remind me that You...you can turn the wildest storm still, and You can take an absolute tragedy and flood it with your light. I know this...because I have seen it with my own eyes. You have been good enough to show me over and over again just how loving, just how protective, just how merciful you are. You are doing Your part, but I have to do my part, too, right, God? I have to stick by You. I have to trust that you have got this, even when it appears that you are sleeping in the midst of it all, You are in control. I have to believe that so long as I stay smack in the center of where YOU want me to be, you will not let anyone or anything harm me. Thank you, Father, for being so faithful, and for making me courageous...thank you for the crazy good work you are doing in me this very second. Thanks for being in my boat. Amen.
(reflection on fear inspired by this beautiful post...check it out)
