Hoarding the grace of God

My first reaction to reading about sin is to immediately recall the many sins of those who I love. I think it might be my spiritual gift, actually. If you are having trouble getting to the Sacrament of Confession because you do not believe you have any sins, let's get together, because after one hour and a cup of coffee, I will bet I will find so many sinful things about you, I will have you on your knees, crying out and begging for mercy.

And you will never want to have coffee with me ever again.

Thanks be to God and His frequent slaps of humility in my face, it does not take me too long to recognize that the very thing I despise in another, is actually the very thing I despise about myself. Complaining, gossiping, despairing, hoarding the grace of God. Yes. Hoarding the grace of God.

I stole that from Bartunek's The Better Part this morning, in his spot on reflection of todays Gospel. (Mark 9:41-50) This phrase...hoarding the grace of God, is the exact reason why I love nothing more than a good book and a bright highlighter. If words could jump off of a page and pluck out my eyes, THIS phrase would.

Hoarding the grace of God. Bartunek describes this as "refusing to give freely what we have freely received, or pettily envying the good that others are doing as if it somehow detracted from the good we are doing. " He then continues with the zinger by saying, "But it is not for us to limit the range of divine benevolence; it is for us to extend it."

Yesterday at Walking With Purpose, the woman to my left shared that she has to believe we can sacrifice so much more; that we do not sacrifice enough. With Lent around the corner, it gets you thinking...what do I truly have to offer? What should I give up? What sins are leading me to death? What do I need to lose? How can I better extend myself? Because I will be honest. Sometimes "coming up with a sacrifice" is hard for me, because I think, "What is left? I already do and give so much?"

(and I might be hiding in shame under my dining room table now, as I have the nerve to not only have that thought, but to share it)

But do I?

Do I freely give ALL that I have been given???

I will answer that for you.

No.

I do not.

I hoard God's grace.

In this same reflection, Bartunek describes sin as "an invitation to hell", a "decision of the heart to prefer one's own will against God." I do not know about you, but I believe in heaven and hell. And I believe in God. And I really, really, really want to do His will. But I don't always. I am often envious, I am often closed off, and I often choose to hoard God's grace, rather than extend it. As if God doesn't have enough for all of us? As if God will not multiply His grace by a million if I let go of just a little? It saddens me when I realize this; that my faith is so small to think that if I let any good that comes from God go, I will be left with nothing; that if I share what I have with another, it means less for me, and more for him.

God's ways are not my ways, and this thinking couldn't be any more untrue.

God multiplies.

God gives in abundance.

God always provides.

ALWAYS.

But we have to let go...of our sins, of our control, of our will, in order for Him to step in and do His thing.

And this can be hard. We live in a "red carpet" world. Stepping aside to allow the spotlight to fall on someone other than yourself can feel like a death.

I will never understand the mind of God, but I know enough that every good thing is from Him, and any feelings of joy here on earth, as Bartunek describes, are just " a whiff of heaven". I also know that the most painful sufferings I have endured to date...the ones that feel like death...are now the sufferings I rejoice in; these are the branches that now bear the best fruit.

So, what does this mean for me?

It means I need to take Lent seriously.

I need to recognize my sin for what it is, confess them all...yes all...even that one that makes me cringe with total embarrassment...that one...I need to confess it.

I need to purify my heart, increase my humility, and ignite the fire within.

I need to sacrifice more, and give more freely, unafraid of others opinions, completely devoted to God's will for me.

I need to trust that what God gives me is for sharing and that the only way to gain heaven, is to lose earth.

Bartunek warns us, "Sin is real, hell is real, and unchecked sins lead to hell." We would be foolish to not warn those we love of this truth; to not shine a light for others so that they too can experience that rush of true love that can only come from Jesus. And no, you will not be popular, by any stretch of the imagination, by pointing out sins to others. This world tells us that sin is fake and hell is not real. But don't we want more than this world? I do.

Please pray for me if you are reading this, and I will pray for you.

Because underneath my dirt and grime and selfish ways, there truly is a heart that beats for Christ, that wants so badly to lose my sin and do God's will. I want that for you, too...and I mean that....God's grace is big enough for all of us.

"What greater thing could I do for my neighbor than shine a little bit of your light around them, seasoning their life with the salt of your love?" (John Bartunek)