Lent: Day One. Living without.

A week long pain in my left arm and chest sent me to Urgent Care yesterday morning. When the man at the desk asked what was wrong, I calmly informed him , "I am either having a heart attack or it is nothing." He was a young man, and I am bad with guessing age, but if I had to guess, I would say early twenties. With a big gold cross on the chain around his neck, he took my credit card for the co-pay, and started talking about money and debt.

And I kept looking at his cross, because as a mom, nothing makes me happier than seeing a young man unashamed to wear his cross.

"I hit my limit on my card", he shared, shaking his head. "$20,000! But I help out my parents a lot." And my ears perked up...help my parents out a lot.... as I listened some more. "Just gave my dad $900 to fix his car...and I used to live on my own, but I moved back in with my parents...ya know...they need my help. I gotta do that for them." And I was so struck by this young man, as I try so hard to raise my own children right, to teach them compassion, and more often then not, go to bed feeling as if I have failed as a mother. And he said it again. "I gotta help them. Gotta do it."

"What is your secret?" I asked, sort of joking, but not really. I wanted to know.

"How do I make sure my kids turn out like you?"

And he paused.

Then looked up.

And as he handed me my receipt he said, "Not to get into my personal life, but when I was a kid, I was homeless."

Homeless.

My heart, the one I was there for, dropped and hit the floor.

He was homeless?

"My twin brother and me and my mom...we had no home. I was in the 8th grade."

"Wow", was all I could say.

And I pictured my own almost 8th grader, who hates going to school, and ate avocado toast for breakfast just hours ago, in a PINK sweatshirt and she smelled like flowers as she threw her backpack on her shoulder and walked out of her home to catch the bus to school. She left, knowing there was home to come back to. And we do this. In and out of front doors all day long, and do we even recognize the gift we have been given? To have a place we call home.

"But I never missed a day of school" he said proudly. He continued about his work, without looking up, but still chatting, "And I am ok with it, because really, it has made me who I am today. I am thankful for it. Ya know, I tell ya when your kids will appreciate you...when they know what it is like to live without...because when you go without..."

And I do not think he finished that sentence.

And if he did, I do not remember.

All I walked away thinking about was living without.

And as they hooked me up to the EKG, I did my own heart check.

What is God asking me on this first day of Lent to live without? To go without?

And it has got to be more than not looking at Instagram or drinking coffee, right?

If I desire to give myself fully to God...fully...the whole heart, the absolutely everything...then what is it, Lord? Please tell me. Because Lent has already begun, and I am not sure what you want from me.

And really, this shouldn't be difficult. Because there is only one thing I KNOW I can not live without. And that is God, The rest? The stuff? The food? Even the home? Well that is just fluff, isn't it? And yet, we hold it so tight.

My tests came back.

They said my heart is normal.

And yet after meeting that young man with the cross around his neck, it felt like anything but.