When a trip to the hospital looks like a vacation....

I am convinced I used up all of my perfect mothering before my fourth child was even born.

Now? Now I am too exhausted to be perfect.

I may even be too exhausted to be mediocre.

Sorry, kids.

Oh, but you should have seen me when they were small.....

The birthday parties?? I knocked them out of the park! (my kids, of course, were too young to remember them)

The valentines we handed out? (notice we, not my child) So much better than yours! (really, they were. They were homemade and clever and never, ever, involved a hideous commercial character. (My kids, of course, were too young to remember them)

I took motherhood very seriously. It was my job. And clearly, I was working towards a big promotion.

Unfortunately, motherhood does not work that way. Motherhood does not come with promotions. Motherhood is not a job. Motherhood is a vocation. And am I the only one who finds it ironic that vocation and vacation are just one vowel apart from each other, and that it has been years since this mother has been on a vacation????

Want to know a secret? Remember when I thought I was having a heart attack? Well, I secretly hoped that right on the spot, the Doctor would have said, "You need to get to the hospital right now." Because I really just wanted a day off, and let's be honest, even a vacation is exhausting. You have to pack, plan arrangements for the kids, clean the house, figure out what to do with the dogs, get a pedicure...it is work! But the hospital? There is no work! Because you are too sick! You just go, and every one else will take care of the rest!

And I did look into the Greenwich hospital, by the way, which is not the closest, but does have terrace dining.

(And let me add, I do not say this unaware of the seriousness and true awfulness of a mom being taken from her family for whatever reason to stay at a hospital. Illness and hospital stays are NOT fun. And so that is my point. You know you have hit rock bottom and given in to the pressure when a hospital appears to be your only source of escape.)

"There's a danger in seeing our roles as mothers as our absolute highest calling." says Kate Wicker, in her new book Getting Past Perfect. "The more I personally saw my role as mother as my only and loftiest calling, the more pressure I felt to do everything right."

And oh...how we try so hard to do everything right.

Where were you, Kate Wicker, when I was making homemade baby food at mid night, and dragging my toddler to the pediatrician because he was still using a pacifier and according to the moms at Washington Square toddler park, that clearly meant I was doing something terribly wrong??? Where was this book when I was crying over feeling like a failure because my kid was the kid who hit and pulled hair? Where were these words when every call from the school was clearly not about my child, but about me, and how I was not enough and was incapable of giving my children the attention they needed?

But most of all?

Why was I never told that before anything else, I am the daughter of a King, and that my identity is not in my being a Mother, but rather, in my being His daughter?

Because this?

This right here is a game changer, folks.

My value, and your value?

It is not based on what college our children go to, nor is it based on the demons our children may struggle with. And had I known this when I was choosing vintage crib bedding on the upper east side, (which by the way, was fabulous) I may not be booking hospital rooms right now for a relaxing get away.

What if I let my kids pass out a Valentine with SpongeBob on it?

What if the cupcakes were store bought?

What if the baby food came in a jar?

What if we placed our value in who WE are, and not in how our children make us look?

What if we tried to be perfect daughters of God, not perfect mothers?

What if my 18 year old is still using his pacifier? (He is not, by the way. But honestly? If he did, it might be the least of our concerns)

I am excited to share that over at CatholicMom, we are soon starting our newest book club, and the book we will be discussing? Getting Past Perfect! I am also extra excited, because the lovely ladies at CatholicMom have invited me to write and share my own reflections on Kate's book, and I am fairly confident, as I find myself on the Greenwich Hospital website looking longingly at the rooms and dining options, that I have the necessary "skill set" to contribute. In fact, while I am unsure of most things, exhaustion from trying to be the perfect mother is something I know I can speak about! And I will bet you can, too.

Go here for the details, and join me! Let's journey together, and discover the joy and grace in the messiness of motherhood together. Because it is there. Or so I hear....