Do you want to be well?

reflection on the Gospel of John 5:1-16

Seems like such a simple question, with an obvious answer. Yes, we all want to be well.

Unless of course, we don't.

When I was deep in the trenches of an eating disorder, I knew I was not fully living. I knew I wasn't happy. And I knew that the way I chose to deal with life was not going to work long term. I knew, eventually, it would kill me. If not from literal starvation, then from spiritual starvation. I knew all of this. But I didn't care. Sickness will do that to you.

But I also knew that getting well meant getting rid of the one thing that I had fooled myself into believing gave me purpose.

Getting well meant losing my identity.

My sickness was who I was.

To stop what had become a very unhealthy daily routine meant that I had to start all over again, from the very beginning, and the thought of that was paralyzing because I knew that the girl at the very beginning, beneath the distraction of hunger, was someone I did not love at all.

And I did not want to see her ever again.

In fact, I had worked so hard at getting rid of her, that the thought of that person re-surfacing was unthinkable.

And so, did I want to be well?

Of course.

But my well looked different.

My well meant staying ill...because guess what? It was working for me.

Or so I believed.

And so when Jesus asks the man at the pool "Do you want to be well?" it is not as simple a question as it sounds, because sometimes, we do not want to be well. Sometimes, the fear of what it will take to get well is just too much.

Enter in, trust.

Because ya know, if we trust that the Lord's plan for us is for good, then why would we ever hesitate? This man at the pool...why the long answer to Jesus's insanely simple question? He did not ask Him why was he not well. He asked him, "Do you want to be well?" And I think we are all experts at this, right? We have mastered dancing around our conflict, because facing it head on might result in discomfort. Facing the situation at hand might dig up the past hurt, might feel raw and painful. And who wants that? Who wants to uncover any of that?? Of course, covering up wounds that will always remain wounds only mean one thing: bigger wounds in the future.

But it has to start to with admitting...healing has to begin with acceptance.

And admitting we want to be well is hard because it means we are admitting that we are not well.

That we need to be rescued.

That we need to be healed.

That we are not self sufficient.

It means admitting we are everything the prince of this world tells us is failure.

By prince I mean Satan.

Do not be fooled into thinking for even one second that he is not real.

I am well now, in case you are wondering.

But I see so many who are not.

I hear so many stories of pain and suffering.

Pretending life is not about the cross is just plain old insanity.

We are a world of hurt, and I do not watch or read the news...I am speaking of what I hear and see with my own eyes, in my own community.

And although my instinct is to push Jesus out of the way and do something, because clearly, Jesus does not work as fast as I can....

I also know that it is His grace, and His alone, that saves.

And His grace is enough.

Sweet friends, we have to believe that.

And isn't this a hard place to be?

Isn't this precisely the moment we need to step aside so He can step in?