Surely, it is not I

No one wants to be Judas.

And yet something washes over me as I read his words, when Jesus speaks of the betrayal He knows is going to happen, "Surely, it is not I." And I shake my head in disbelief, because it is not Judas I hear, but rather, my own voice.

How many times have I received the body and blood of Christ, walked out of the church, and immediately turned my back on Him. Actually, if I am being honest, I often don't even make it out of the pew, before my sin creeps on in.

When I kneel after Mass to pray, close my eyes, and hear the quiet sacredness I long to melt into, immediately turn into what sounds like a three ring circus...people talking loudly, kids screaming and running around the altar, bouts of laughter.. the softness of my heart turns to hard rock. Honestly? I would not be surprised if when I opened my eyes, I saw a line of elephants and vendors selling popcorn...it is that loud and crazy. And I sit and I stew. I judge every single person who is clearly blind and rude, wondering if they realize that right now, this moment, having just received the body and blood of Christ their Savior, they have never been closer to grace. Grace! And yet, rather than kneel and remain with Him, like I so perfectly do, they choose to turn God's house into a marketplace; a zoo, or airport or circus. My focus distracted, and my anger rising, I want to get up and scream, "SHUT UP! CAN'T YOU SEE I AM ON MY KNEES LOOKING HOLY!??? CAN'T YOU SEE I AM TRYING TO PRAY!!!!????"

I'll bet God loves that.

Or how about when I rush out to my car, and refuse the opportunity to say hello to a friend, or to reach out to a stranger, because, well...I just don't feel like it and they are sometimes annoying.

How's that for my response to, "Now go, and glorify the Lord by your life."

Life is full of distractions, and nobody but God is perfect, and in my pride and my sinfulness the only one I am going out and glorifying is myself.

"Surely, it is not I."

As we grow ever more closer to Easter Sunday, it might not be a bad thing to reflect on these five small words. Because my guess is, if we are all human, then surely, it most likely is us. And praise be to our God, who is a God of second chances; a God that is constantly offering us ways out of our sin; a God whose mercy is bigger than our weakness, and who loves us so much that while we were still sinners, He gave up His life.

This love without bounds-it is what holds me together. This knowing that no matter what, God will always welcome me back home. This, Judas did not know. This, is what gives me hope to endure.