a mother like Mary

I had the most troubling thought run through my mind. I actually said how I prefer to be in crisis, because there, I never leave Jesus. Because when waves stop crashing and waters are still, I find myself wondering...what will come next? And wondering is not the right word. I FEAR what will come next. And so when I am seemingly at peace, I am really not at peace at all. Not if I am afraid. I am waiting for the next after shock, the tsunami to hit, once again. I have left Jesus, for a poor substitute of feeling in control.

In times of confusion, and in situations that just do not seem possible, I melt down.

But Mary?

She pondered.

And this word...ponder...it has come up so many times in the last few weeks that I am nearly certain it is something I am being called to ...well....ponder.

pon·der

ˈpändər/

verb

1. think about (something) carefully, especially before making a decision or reaching a conclusion.

I do not ponder well.

I jump to the worst case scenario.

I over react.

I leave little room for thought or silence.

I speak immediately.

I respond with little thought.

I reach my own conclusions.

I go to anger.

I run to fear.

I panic.

And I do this, because I have discovered, that I have believed for so long now that I was supposed to figure it all out on my own, take charge, make a plan, create the peace, come up with a resolution, be in control. In short, I do this because I have such little faith. In these moments at least, I trust no one but myself. I am too busy to ponder. I need answers now. God is taking too long.

But Mary pondered.

I am getting better at this pondering thing, though. Lord knows I have been thrown enough curve balls to figure out that there is no way on earth I can play this game alone. I need a team to support me. And so when the balls come flying at me, and I have no idea what to do, I have learned...not to jump aside, or run away, or even duck...but to just let them come; just let them come and trust that they are a part of a bigger and better plan than my plan of ducking or fleeing; trust that my team will step in and protect me at the right time.

I am a big believer that things often have to get seemingly worse in order to get better. Like cleaning out your kitchen pantry, right? We all look at our kitchen counter tops full of cans and boxes and bags and wish we never started to clean up in the first place. But this "worse" stage is actually when the magic happens. It is when we empty our cabinets, our pantry, ourselves, that we make room for God to come in and do His thing. No one cleans up better than God.

This weekend is a big one.

Today, the 100th Anniversary of the apparitions of Our Lady of Fatima.

Tomorrow, Mother's Day.

And it is a forecast of rain and clouds here all weekend long.

And that seems so fitting, really.

It wipes away the artificial meaningless the world gives to Mother's Day, with its brunches and tulips, and false expectations, and gives us perfect excuse to use these days to stay inside, to simply rest with our Mother, and to ponder it all. The good, the bad, the hard, the lovely...just ponder.

And I am realizing why Mother's Day in the past was always such a let down.

Maybe, it was because I made it about me. My glory. Gratitude for me.

And I hate that. It is not my deepest desire.

What I desire most, right now, more than ever, is to be a mother like Mary.

How much more beautiful is Mother's Day when we turn our focus away from our own mothering, and to that of Our Lady; the Mother I have entrusted with my children, the Mother whose grace and gentleness draw me in, the Mother who cradles her infant Jesus with one hand, while crushing the head of the enemy with her heel. The Mother, who in every crisis, takes my hand, and leads me to her Son.

It is the truth.

In our hardest moments, Jesus is so close.

In our loneliest hours, Mary is there, leading us to her Son.

And when it looks like everything is a huge mess, it means God is up to something good.

We have to hold on to faith, and we have to believe that this Mother-Son team of ours, along with the Holy Spirit, knows what they are doing.

Even when...especially when...we do not.

We are not called to figure it all out, we are called to lay it all down.

Our kids, our hopes, our fears, our relationships, our jobs, everything.

Let's give it all to Our Lady today.

Let's fly to our Mother.

And with her, let us ponder.