weeping like Magdalene

*today is not the Feast Day of Mary Magdalene...this is a re-post...but exactly what I am thinking about today as Mary leans into the tomb....

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I don't recall where I read this, or who said it, but it has stuck with me. Basically, when it comes to your relationship with Jesus, "what is your motive?"

In other words, if you are fervently praying through tears for a very specific something, and God does not deliver in the way that you prayed for, what is your reaction? Anger? Bitterness? Doubt? Leave the Catholic Church? Or do you continue to pray in hope and love? Do you continue to lean in, not because you want something from Him, but quite simply, because you love Him.

Recently, and for quite a while now, I have prayed in this way. Through weeping, and in the darkness, I have prayed hard. And God has not yet answered. At least, not according to my very specific task list and time table that I have handed on over to Him. My prayers can be rather specific, and if I was not in the habit of exercising my faith muscles daily, I am sure I would not see the very small, but beautiful ways, that He does answer; the millions of miracles that surround me in every grace filled moment. But let's say, my faith muscles were weak. Let's say, my relationship with Christ was nothing more than checking off my Sunday obligation, and remembering to tell Him every now and then what I need Him to do for me. Well, then, this presents me with a choice. I can throw my prayers away, and give up on God who appears asleep on the job, or not real. Or, while it is still dark, I can seek Him. I can continue weeping by His tomb, trusting that He is Lord.

Today we celebrate the feast day of sweet Mary Magdalene. Most know her as "the prostitute" that Jesus saves. I know her, as myself. And if you were to spend some time with her, you too, might see yourself. Because women do not have to be prostitutes to know what it feels like to be unseen, unworthy, alone, unloved. Women give away their dignity and worth in many different ways. Women can spend years searching for that one great love, only to settle for an assortment of cheap substitutes. Women can sit in regret and shame, holding on to their sin, their poor decisions, their ugly actions, forgetting that mercy and love are just waiting to clothe them, that in Christ, they are a new creation. It is so simple really, and we complicate so much...this life. It is about love. How we love. Who we love. And do we really believe that we are loved? That is it.

And Magdalene? Oh, how she loved Jesus. He was her rescue. He brought her back to life. He gave her a new beginning. Of course, she loved him! Because of her encounter with Jesus, her motive was love and love alone. And Jesus? Well, everything He did was for us. He did nothing for Himself. His motive? Always love. Love for us. And if you were to spend some time today reflecting on the Gospel of John, 20:1-2, 11-18, I think you might see this. I think you might understand that weeping in the darkness is a part of everyone's life, and it does not mean that God is not present. It does not mean that He does not hear you, and does not love you.

And yes, there is a catch.

Because following Jesus means following Jesus.

Following in his footsteps means we follow Him to the cross.

We don't get to skip that part.

But that is ok, because we know that the story does not end on the cross.

We know that the story ends in His rising.

Like the sun that comes up each and every morning, He too, rises.

And this, my friends, is everything.

Want to know a secret? This season of weeping I have been in? I like it. Not the pain, not the sorrow, not the fear, not the so-called problem...I like none of that. But the actual weeping? I look forward to it. To know that I can run to Him, sit right by Him, and maybe not feel Him, but even so...I can cry out to Him. I can empty myself, pour it all out at His feet, until there is nothing left of me, only love of Him. The weeping always makes me feel better. And until this morning's reading, I don't think I understood why. It says that Magdalene stayed outside of the tomb weeping. "And as she wept, she bent over the tomb".

Her weeping. It was her weeping that drew her closer in to Him.

Had she not gotten up early and gone to that tomb "while it was still dark", and stayed outside of that tomb, weeping, she never would have leaned in, she never would have seen the two angels.

Sweet friends, we must be like Magdalene.

We must encounter Jesus.

We must invite Him into the most hideous parts of ourselves and allow Him to heal us.

We must love Him so completely, that we do not question our following Him.

We must pick up our cross daily, and follow Him to Golgotha.

We must get up early, while it is still dark, and seek Him.

We must weep by His tomb.

And then, we must go out in haste, telling everyone that we know what we know.

That Jesus is our Lord.

God is our Father.

That we are so very fully and completely loved.

That in Christ, we too, are a new creation.

Our motive must be love.

I know how hard it is to wait for an answer, while sitting in what feels like the dark. But I also know that if you invite Jesus into your heart, and work on a real relationship with Him, He will show up. He always does. And sure, maybe not in the way that you had hoped, but quite frankly, it is through my own personal experiences that I can say, with confidence, that His ways are always significantly better than my ways. You have to encounter Him. You just do. Like Magdalene. You need to seek Him out and allow Him to heal you; to touch your wounds, to cleanse your sin, but most of all...to simply let Him love you. That is His motive. Love.

I heard once, and I can not recall where, that it is in our crying that we are the closest to Jesus.

Maybe something to think about the next time you are weeping and certain you are alone in your suffering...that those very tears are what He uses to pull you close, get you slightly off balance, until you slowly fall away from yourself and lean into the tomb.