the guns, the baby, and the little orange chair. (otherwise known as, a whole lot of rambling on a r

I woke up out of a nightmare this morning. I was in a room with about 50 other people, and we were being held hostage, about to be killed. I knew this, because a small TV screen showed us an army of men, all armed, on their way to where we were all were. And I said, "Why did they bother showing us this?? Why wouldn't they just come and kill us? Warning me only scares me more!" Then, one of our own people, handed out rifles to the crowd, to use as self defense when the enemy arrived. Everyone got a rifle. Everyone but me. You know what I got??

A BABY.

I was handed a BABY.

And then I woke up.

Someone, please, tell me what this all means.

While driving to Mass this morning, with a heart full of concern over a present matter, I was non stop talking in my head to myself...trying to figure things out and work things out and understand things better...and when I slowed the car to make a left turn, I realized that I had been singing in my mind. The whole time I was wrestling with my own thoughts, I had also been singing. The song was "Good to me", by Audrey Assad. And I had not just heard that song; that is not why it was in my head. I did not plant it there. Someone else did. And I thought about how often this happens to me...how a song will be playing in the background of my thoughts. And it just makes me wonder...how often do I miss listening to the beautiful voice in the background, as I wrestle with my own stupid ideas and plans? Because "you are good to me" was a way better and much needed message to hear, than what I was coming up with by my own strength and present bag of crazy.

Speaking of song...every so often a memory of my youth will spring up, causing me to smile. This morning, while toasting a bagel, I recalled being about 8 years old, and in the garage. My dad stored everything but the cars in our garage; toys, old clothes, bikes, boxes, and this little, plastic, orange chair, that was just my size. My best friend, Kate, and I, would drag out that little chair every day, carry it up the hill, and stick it by the curb. And we played, what we called, "The Singing Game". One of us would sit in the chair, and the other one of us would stand across the street, and sing. The person in the chair was the judge, and would give her remarks and comments when we were done. Seriously? We basically invented American Idol when we were 8 years old. But none of this is what I thought of while toasting my bagel. What came to mind was me, in that garage, singing. I was singing "The Rainbow Connection", to no one, but me. But when I came inside I saw my father, and he smiled and said, "I heard that...it was really beautiful." And I am caught off guard by the tears that just showed up, uninvited, as I write this. What I would give to be 8 again, in that garage, singing and looking for that tiny, plastic, orange chair.

And....speaking of "the rainbow connection" and my love of Kermit...

just two days ago my daughter asked me, "Mom, can I sign up for my Kermit test."

And of course I said, "Kermit test? What is a kermit test???"

"PERMIT test, mom. My PERMIT TEST."

Ah yes...that makes much more sense.

Two seconds later she added, "I really want my dragon license."

"Dragon?" I asked.

"Yes mom, my DRAGON license. That is exactly what I said."

We all know she said drivers.

Honestly, though?

I heard dragon.

I think I am losing my hearing.

Speaking of losing my hearing, I also fear I am going blind.

I can no longer see anything without my glasses.

And it freaks me out because my biggest fear, next to running in public in a bathing suit, is going blind.

Annie didn't feel well yesterday and when I asked her what she felt...as in headache...or throat hurting...she said, "Paranoia."

I offered tylenol, because really...I have no idea what to give someone who is feeling sick from paranoia.

This morning after communion, I kneeled on the hard ground and kept whispering over and over again, "pour down into my heart." I do not know why, nor do I know what I needed to be pouring down. I have never said this before. But I was sure about each word as it came...pour down into my heart.

The rain is pouring down right now. Just started to come down in heavy sheets. Seems like the perfect time to stop the rambling, and get to work. The perfect time to shut my own thoughts down, and listen for the background noise...to sing "you are good to me"...because truly, He is. Even when, especially when, I seem to make no sense at all.