it's not all up to you

Since when did August become the new December?

Here in Newtown, we have started up football and cheer, work is starting to really gear up and get exciting, and I am suddenly realizing we have months of summer reading to cram into a few weeks, all while packing for sleep away camp, packing for college, packing for COLLEGE, and PACKING FOR COLLEGE....Lord, have mercy on me. Truth is, nothing is packed. But I did purchase a XL twin sized comforter. Look for my book on "Waiting until the very last minute to do anything". No idea when it will be released. I haven't written it yet. I am waiting until the last minute to start writing.

Oh, sweet month of July...please come back to me.

My least favorite thing about this kind of hustle and madness is my temptation to give in to the chaos and leave out Christ. Time spent in afternoon prayer? Well, there is no time. Pushing things aside to make a 4pm cup of coffee and sit down with scripture? Well, that would be great, if I had purchased more than a comforter. Clearly, I have lists to make and to-do's to scribble on notepads, and movies of books to buy, because really, who has the time to sit down and read now? So time with God, time in His living Word, takes a back seat to all those other things.

But here is the problem with that.

It doesn't work.

I have lived apart from Christ, and I have lived hanging on to Him for dear life. I have lived by my own self reliance, following my own lists and agenda, and I have lived leaning on Him, following His ways. And I will not say that being a follower of Christ assures you an easier life. It is quite the opposite actually. But what I can promise you, is this: life will always be busy and there will always be something to do. There will always ALWAYS be trials and sufferings and dying to self is not a ticket to easy living.

So why bother?

I mean, if life will always be hard, why bother leaning on a God who allows all of these things...these difficulties...these bumps that get in the way of the smooth ride?

Well, I bother, because I believe there is more to this life than this broken and beautiful world.

I bother, because after years of ignoring and circling my cross, I realized that picking it up and carrying it is actually easier than pretending it is not there, or looking for the way to carry it with the least amount of effort, least amount of pain, least amount of turbulence.

I bother, because I have taken the time to know Christ, and I believe that He loves me, and that He will help me.

Most of the time.

Because sometimes I do get angry with Him. For the record? I am not a Saint. Yet. And sometimes, like the children of Israel wandering the desert, I grumble and complain to Him, I want to go back, I want more than this stinkin' manna (like, I am sorry, but can He at least throw down some salsa to dip it in???). I want more than this wilderness I so often feel lost and alone in.

And you know, people are so funny. And by funny, I mean really stupid. Because the wilderness? The wilderness is not always the worst place to be. The wilderness is not a problem...it is an opportunity; an opportunity to trust and persevere, and to reflect on all that God has done. An opportunity to stop making lists and running all sorts of errands for all sorts of things at Target that we do not need. (trust me. I look in other peoples carts at stores, and I say...out loud...to nobody...why do you need that??? Do you really need that in your house?) The wilderness offers us a moment to sit in our circumstance, to accept whatever trial we face, and to let go of saying MY will be done, but rather...THY will be done. Because let's be honest. If you are sitting, lost in the wilderness, angry and bitter, maybe the plans you made aren't working out so well. Maybe it is time to hire yourself a new travel agent. You see, I believe that the wilderness invites us into something so much deeper, so much more promising than any stupid pillow or candle or cute office supply you mindlessly throw into your Target shopping cart.

If you are in that routine right now---that routine of getting things done your way and leaving Christ out of your life plan, and yet...it just isn't working for you---I invite you to take a moment today; a moment to make that coffee and sit with Him. Let the kids scream around you...actually...no. Don't do that. That is annoying. You will end up angrier than when you started. Give them candy or a bag of sugar or a screen to stare at, or a new puppy....and then hide in your closet. And whatever it is today that you are avoiding or pushing aside or wishing were different, but you are too busy to actually change it....give it over to God. Give it all to Him. Sit in the wilderness and remember...remember all that He has done for you already...because you know there is plenty...and in all humility and love, ask Him for help. Stop relying on yourself. And stop buying pillows at Target.

I truly think that our biggest downfall is our ability to so quickly forget the God who has saved us. We are great at remembering how He hasn't shown up, how He hasn't come through for us, how He gave us that awful manna with no salsa to dip it in. How He has left us in the wilderness all alone. But this is a lie. This is a lie that creeps in ever so cunningly, when we allow ourselves to push Christ aside and rely on ourselves. This is a lie that has us rearranging our priorities, putting SELF at the top of the list. This is a lie that erases Jesus from our to-do list, and all His good works. This is a lie that has us calling out to the world for help, instead of calling to Him, who created all out of nothing, who knows what we need before we even dare to ask.

You know, last night, when we were all asleep, my son, who we barely see...who is running around doing his goodbyes with friend who are leaving for college, who is working long and hard hours to save up his money, who spends way more time with his girlfriend than he does with his family....he called my husband. He called his father late at night because his tire blew out on the highway. And he was probably afraid. And he was all alone. And he did not know what to do. And after I thanked the Lord for keeping my son safe, I thanked Him also, for the reminder. The reminder that no matter how much we run around doing this and doing that, living life our way and following our own desires and plans....when the rubber meets the road...who do we call?

We call our Father.

If you haven't called Him lately, because August is so busy and there is too much to do, I think that today is a great day for you to do so. Go ahead. Try it. Call Him. And like my husband, no matter where you are, no matter what time it is, He will get up and run to you. He will find you. You will not be left alone in the wilderness. This isn't all up to you.