the blade of the cross

I think I just want it to all be easy. Really, if I am being honest. At least today, this is how I feel. And yesterday? Oh yes. Yesterday, I really wanted it to all be easy. For it to all just go away.

I woke this morning to discover my right side completely paralyzed.

Well.

That is not true.

I had a pain in my right ear.

And my right hand has been aching.

But I swear, my right eye was drooping, and so I told my husband I thought I was having a stroke.

"Do you think I should go to the hospital?" I asked, with way too much excitement in my voice.

Miraculously, being paralyzed and all, I was able to get up to get some water, and announced to the family, "I think I have diabetes! I have been unusually thirsty for three days!" I should probably mention that I live on a liquid diet of black coffee, white wine, and the occasional salt lick. Might have something to do with that thirst.

It is stress.

I know this.

It is what happens when I focus on the shaking earth below.

It is all so consuming, isn't it?

And when we do this, everything just seems too hard.

And I want easy.

But as I know, and have said, I have never been improved by an easy time.

And I am wondering.

Maybe I am not exhausted from carrying my cross.

Maybe I am exhausted from avoiding my cross.

I am saying my prayers, and I am putting it all out there, giving it all to God, handing it over, and I gotta be honest...I feel like God and His angels and Saints are on summer break! I have left messages and voicemails and no one is getting back to me!

Anyone else sometimes think saying prayers is like rubbing a genie bottle?

Yeah. Sort of guilty of that today.

I heard somewhere that God answers prayers in three ways.

The first, is the answer we all want.

He hears, and shazam! Prayer answered. That is the miracle on earth.

The second, is the prayer heard, but answered differently.

Kind of like when you order the street tacos with grilled shrimp, but they serve you chicken instead.

And you figure, well...not really what I asked for, but hey...I can work with this.

And turns out, it is the best chicken street taco you ever had. And you say , "thank you God, you really DO know what is best for me."

The third, is the prayer that is heard, but answered in heaven.

No miracle on earth. God has another plan.

Another plan.

Sometimes, that is hard to accept.

Most times, we can not imagine how His ways are best.

In the thick of our sadness or distress or anger or laziness or whatever, we doubt that His plans for us are for good.

That was my yesterday.

All this time I keep thinking, "why won't you answer me???" I finally heard Him say, "I AM ANSWERING. You just don't want to hear what I am saying."

And He is right.

Because life, lately? It sort of feels like I am on a Disneyland ride line.

Waiting in the heat forever, thinking I am almost there...

only to turn the bend and realize....

I am no where near there....not even close...

the line is still going on and on and on....

this part of the journey is so not over!!!!

And when I start to look at all of the people waiting ahead of me...

when I focus on how awfully long this stupid line is...

I start to wonder....

is this freakin' ride even worth it??????

But it always is.

Unless you are waiting for It's a small world.

Then no.

It is not.

Persevering in pain and suffering is no joke, people.

It is hard.

But when put into perspective...when we keep our thoughts and mind on the reward, on the fun we will have on that ride, rather than on the pain and torture of waiting on that line....maybe we can find purpose in it?

I am no stranger to joy and I am no stranger to pain, but what I am learning, and working on, is combining them both. Figuring out how to live joyfully in the midst of suffering. Managing incredible disappointment while still celebrating all that is still good.

And you know what gets me?

More than an easy life, I want a life centered on God.

I really do.

I want to follow Him.

I want to belong to Him.

I want to glorify Him in all things.

And "the easy way out" doesn't really work along side of this, does it?

Because if I am to share in the life of Christ, it means sharing in all of it.

Not only the rising, but the crucifixion.

Not only the Easter, but the Good Friday.

And this, right here, is why I am so tired, thirsty and why my eye is drooping.

I do not want to be crucified.

I do not believe I have enough courage to actually do what God is asking me to do.

Have you ever felt that way?

Servant of God Madeleine Delbrel says that "to belong to God we have to experience the two edged blade: the blade of joy, the blade of the cross."

And I read this, and am both comforted and terrified at the same time.

But mostly comforted.

And strangely enough, when I think of it this way, the cross looks more beautiful than terrifying.

The blade does not scare me as much.