only Jesus. or, why I lashed out at the poor cashier at TJ Maxx. Either title works.

When making a purchase at TJ Maxx (my other place of worship) just before taking my credit card, the cashier asked me, "Would you like to donate a dollar to save the children?" Immediately, I said, "No, I don't want to save any of the children." My daughter was horrified. Quite possibly, the woman in line behind us, as well. "I am trying to save my own children right now", I explained, as I took my small purchase, and left.

Here is the thing.

First of all? It is that angry and moody and weepy time of the month for me. You understand. And I just wanted to buy what I came for, and leave. Nothing more. Nothing less. I know nothing about the organization, and wasn't looking to learn about it at that time. I was at TJ Maxx. I only go there to smell pretty candles and use the bathroom while waiting for my pizza being baked next door. And to find and buy the occasional dress on sale in the junior department. I do have a gift for that. (and a total side note, but yesterday, I was actually thanking God that the devil doesn't get his period. I mean, he's a total jerk now, I can't even imagine how much worse he would be with PMS)

Second of all? I feel ill equipped lately to save anyone. Especially the children. Come on over and just look at mine, and you will understand. Better yet, how about you come over, and save mine. It only costs a dollar.

Which leads me to my third of all.

If all it took was a dollar to save the children, I would have handed the man a twenty dollar bill, and asked that four of those dollars go to saving my kids, four more to some of my dearest mom friends, and the rest to the Kardashians. I mean, all the novenas I have been praying, all the time spent with tear soaked cheeks kneeling before the tabernacle, all those Hail Mary's on the front porch rocker....when all I had to do all along was donate a dollar? What next? Click my heels three times, and suddenly all of my children will be Youth Ministry Leaders? If only I knew how easy it really was!

For the record, and maybe you can already tell, I am still not out of that angry moody and weepy time of the month, in case you think I am heartless and misunderstanding the point of this organization, that is no doubt, doing good work. I am also not unaware of the fact that as I write about having no money to give those in need, I am shopping at TJ Maxx. Do not forget that I thrive a little on my sarcasm and humor, and use it most when I am feeling low. And that I had a $10 off coupon. Just saying.

Because the honest truth, here? The reason this simple exchange at TJ Maxx has stayed with me and I feel the need to share it with you?

I have been desperately trying to save my own children, and I feel like I am failing. And I am terrified.

I have been praying those novenas, and kneeling in front of the tabernacle, and crying tears that if you listen, I swear you would hear them begging. If only, my friends, all it took, was a dollar.

But God is good and He always shows up, and recently He did so through the best thing I ever heard, from our Bishop Caggianno, who was addressing a group of ministry and ecclesial movement leaders. And what he said, right to our ego filled, my will be done, faces, was this: "My brothers and sisters, do not be fooled into thinking that YOU will convert a heart to Jesus. Only Jesus converts a heart."

Only Jesus.

Not my tears.

Not my prayers.

Not my begging.

Not my dollar.

Only Jesus.

And He will.

He will save my children.

Yours too.

All of them.

Do I pray He does it quickly?

Absolutely.

Do I wish I could drop all of my prayers in an instant pot?

You bet.

Did my heart drop just a little bit this morning after reading how the Lord takes Moses up to Mount Nebo, and tells him, "This is the land which I swore to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob that I would give to their descendants. I have let you feast your eyes upon it, but you shall not cross over", and then Moses dies? HE DIES!

Yeah. A little.

Because ideally, I will not only see the saving, I will not only see the promise conversions, but I will get to live among them, too. I want to feast more than my eyes. I want to feast with all of me.

But ya know, here is the joy in growing old and growing in faith and getting to really know Jesus on a personal level. A level that is real and that matters. I do not need to reap the rewards here on this earth, because I know, and believe, with every bit of my heart, that the true reward is to be received in heaven. God promises this to us. And God doesn't lie or go back on His promises.

We do that. Not God.

Not everyone has an extra dollar to give. And that is the truth. But everyone does have the opportunity to get to know God while on earth. And I have to got to tell ya...I have witnessed more miracles under my own roof, that were hands down, the fruit of prayer. Were they the answers I wanted? Usually not! But it is amazing...because even when I "don't get what I want" I feel Him...I feel His mighty hand and I sense His work and even if I am bowed down in sorrow, there is this love that I know is present and powerful and beautiful. And it doesn't require my giving anything, other than my time. And to be honest, I think it is easier for us to give money than time. Our time is valuable. We need our time for important things like facebook and Instagram and gossiping. (Sorry for the snark. I think I am actually going through the change...are one of the symptoms decreased patience and increased snark?) But seriously? We need to spend time with Jesus. We need time to be still. Time to listen. Time to be with Him. Because when I do this? When I give Him my time? There is no other place I want to be. I want to stay right there. With Him. Only Him. Only Jesus.

While I can not give money at this time, I can give something better. My entire self. All of my children. I can give Him that. And when I stop pretending that I am the savior, I can breathe a little bit easier, respond a little bit kinder. I can stop asking God to save us, and simply THANK HIM for the way He is saving us; for the way He will continue to save us, for the way He already has saved us.

Dearest Jesus,

I am sorry I was a little rude to that cashier at TJ Maxx. Poor guy. I don't know his story, or what battles he is fighting, other than the obvious, that he is a grown man who needs to work at TJ Maxx. He was just doing his job. And you know what? He is great at it. Always with a smile. Always kind. Kind of slow, but that doesn't ever bother me. Bothers the other people, let me tell you...but you know that..you see them...people really hate to wait for anything. Anyway, Lord...He is a sweet man, and I should have been kinder. Ugh. What is wrong with me lashing out at the cashier at TJ Maxx? Have I really gotten that low? This is just what happens when I am exhausted and well, bloated. I look pregnant, Jesus. Like, a good five months. Not cool. Bloated and tired. And why am I so tired? Probably because despite my giving it all to you, I am still trying to fix everything and everyone by my own strength. And when I do that, I remove YOU. Which is just down right stupid, because YOU ARE MY STRENGTH. To be honest, I wish all it took was money to save the ones I love. And yet, even as I say that, I know that is not true. Because this period of suffering?? (not to be confused with suffering while I have my period) Something is happening, Lord. This period of uncertainty and fear and sorrow? I just know that you are using it to reach the places in me that need to be touched by You. And I should be so lucky, at the end of my life, to go up the mountain with You, and to feast my eyes and all of your promises. To die in peace knowing that you have heard and listened and answered every single one of my prayers. You are so good to me, Lord. So faithful. And because we just took out an enormous loan to put our kid through school that makes me want to throw up just a little, I have no dollar to offer...but today, I offer you better. Today, you get all of me. No guarantee I will succeed with this...because I am the only one awake right now, and I find that I am much holier when I am alone, than I am with other people who talk to me or ask me to do things or sit in the same room or God help them, sit on the same couch. But I will try. And as usual, I give you my children. I give you my friends children. I give you all of the children. I give you the children's children! Because I will never be able to convert their hearts. But You can. And without begging or tears, I say in full confidence, thank you Jesus, for saving us all. Thank you for being enough. Only you, man. Only Jesus.

Amen

***so I just logged onto the Save the Children website. I think I want to be Sponsor. Or at the very least, go back to TJ Maxx with a dollar. Forgive me, Lord.