hard intentions

It's a nice thing we do at daily Mass. The Priest invites us to share, out loud, our prayer intentions. And so one by one, sometimes one over one, the usual suspects voice their intentions...for an end to abortion in all its forms, let us pray to the Lord....for peace on earth and an end to violence, let us pray to the Lord...for all of those who are going to lose their life today for Christ and missionary's around the world, let us pray to the Lord...for all our Priests and Deacons, let us pray to the Lord. As well as that one softly whispered prayer that nobody can hear, and still we say, Lord hear our prayer, because Lord knows, we can't.

But yesterday I had to fight this out of the blue urge to pray the intention that was really in my heart. The "Lord, please help me, and help to keep the devil away from my children, and come now, and heal me and heal my family and get rid of all of this anxiety and pain and fix it, fix all of it, today. Not tomorrow, not later, not in 40 freaking years, but now, because if you weren't on my cross Lord, I would throw it at you. And I know that is rude and awful to say, and trust me, I hate that I said that or feel that, but I am just so angry. And I am sorry for being angry with you, I really truly am, but right now ,it is all that I have got. Anger. Or tears. And frankly, I am sick of crying. So do something. A miracle. Fix it all. Because it is time for you to step in, in one big heck of a way. I do not want this anymore. I want it gone. Take it. Take it all and take it now. Move the mountains, part the waters, remove the demons, and HEAL. I know You can."

THAT intention. That's the one.

The very one that actually pulls me out of my bed at an ungodly hour of the morning to come to Mass and to get on my knees and to hold out my hands and pray thy will be done when what I really want to pray is for MY will to be done.

THAT intention.

And ok, if that is just too long and too much how about, "I am done Lord. You hear that everyone? DONE. Pray for that, folks!"

I am not saying that we should not pray for all those other things we courageously voice out loud, because we should. I just look around at the people...really look at them as best as I can without looking creepy. And what I see are people like me. People pulled out of their beds like a magnet, early in the morning, and drawn to Jesus...drawn to the Eucharist...people that must be with Jesus, must have the Eucharist...before they do anything else that day. This routine has become as essential as brushing our teeth or grabbing that first cup of coffee. And I can't help but believe that there is something else there. Some other battle. Some other sin or the sin of another that has wounded them, that has them longing for a healer. Do you ever look at others and wonder what is their story? Because I do. Because we all have one. And usually, we only share the good chapters. Usually, we skip the scary parts.

But I have been blessed by God who has placed a few people in my life who I can openly share my entire story with. Front to back. The good the bad the ugly the super ugly. All of it. And you know what happens when we start to do this? You know what happens when just two people get together and get real? You know what happens when we skip the fake and turn to truth? The scary parts don't look that scary anymore. The ugly parts don't look that ugly. These are the hard intentions that lay raw in the secret places of our hearts. The ones we know that are there, but are too afraid to share. The ones our God died for. And when we are able to voice these intentions, suddenly we realize that it is precisely the parts we want to skip that lead us to Christ; precisely the parts that knock us to our knees that hold the most grace.