sitting at the customs post
You want to know why we hesitate to follow Jesus? At least, why I think we hesitate to follow Jesus? It's that "leave everything" part, isn't it? That "get up and follow me." (Matthew 9:11)
Everything? Like, as in...EVERYTHING??
Wow.
Yeah.
Is it just me, or does everything sound like a lot?
For a while, I was good to get up and follow Jesus, leaving some things. Not everything. I have too much, is all. Why can't I hold on to just a little, and still follow? So long as I follow, I think that is okay. I can follow with my things, can't I?
Well, sure. Only I can't find the verse anywhere in my Bible that says, "Leave some things, and follow me." Maybe I need a new Bible, is all..I am sure it says that somewhere in the Gospels. And if not, then well, maybe we need to update The Book, what do you say?
And not to give myself a pass here, but I don't think this is entirely wrong...not the changing the Bible part, because that IS SO WRONG. Truth is truth people. It doesn't change. I am talking about the baby steps I am taking in my following Jesus...the not able to leave it all, but I will tell ya what I AM willing to let go of part. And I'll tell ya' why.
Following Jesus is not like quitting smoking, or cutting out gluten; it is not a cold turkey happening. It is an encounter, for sure...and often, most always, a dramatic encounter, to say the least...and this encounter does something. What it does not do is magically convince you to leave everything behind, and follow Jesus. But what it does do is open your eyes to the way you have been living, behaving, speaking, thinking, treating others, treating yourself, in other words....mistreating your God...and suddenly, you SEE. You recognize. You awake.
We think an encounter means we finally see Jesus face to face. But the truth? I think what makes the encounter with Jesus so powerful is that when we do meet Him, it is not HIM that we see, but OURSELVES. And right here, in this recognition, in this awareness, in this confession of who we have been, and what we have been doing, and how, good grief, none of it has been working, and still something is missing....is is HERE that we can admit we are sinners. It is here that we come face to face with our sin. And so it is here, that we realize how very much in need we are of a Savior; His grace, His love, His mercy. We need it.
And this can sound terrifying, I know.
We try hard to cover and hide our sins, and not just from others, but mostly, from ourselves.
We say "but I am a good person" and, "look, my necklace says BE KIND and I wear it everyday!" and well, I am sure that you are awesome, but "being good" and "being kind" is not enough, I am sorry to say. It is not enough because even the best and the kindest are sinners, and even the best and the kindest fall into human traps, attachments, and bad habits. So to say I have not murdered, and to say I have not cheated, you see, are not enough, if we are being urged to live in a manner worthy of our call. (letter of St Paul to the Ephesians 4:1-7) I know. You don't like to hear this. And now I'm quoting scripture which makes us all uncomfortable because we realize I am not making this stuff up. Fun fact? I don't like to hear it, much less write it, either. Nobody has fallen into bigger human traps than yours truly. No one likes to look in the mirror and REALLY see her sin, like me. No one would rather stuff the pride and the ego and the selfishness and the greed and the vanity deep into her pockets, more than me. But sweet sinner friends o' mine, Jesus can see what is in our pockets. And until we empty them out onto the table, not for HIM to see, but for OURSELVES to see, and say, " Here I am, and this is the stuff I hate, the stuff that keeps me from You, but I really, really REALLY love it, and am scared of leaving it. Can you help me please?" Until we can do that, my friends, we will never be able to follow Him.
Because following Him is quite the ride. I wish that the dramatic encounter, the recognition that we need Jesus in our life, and then the leaving and the following, all lead to a big green pasture, or maybe a sandy beach, with endless chips and salsa, margaritas, and a dance floor. And while sometimes it does, more often than not? Following leads to hard places. And before you read that, and think, "well than screw this following nonsense, I'll just hang on to the stuff that I love but weighs me down, because I'd rather be in a hard place WITH the stuff that I love, than be in a hard place without it!", let's think about the hard places we are in; those places void of acknowledging Jesus.
Because this reminds me of a time in college, sitting too tiny on a therapists couch, when I shared with my doctor the honest truth about why I was where I was, and why I did not want to leave it. I told her, "I'd rather be too skinny and unhappy, than fat and unhappy." Which is actually, looking back on it more than 20 years later, a brilliant self observation. Because the stuff I was too afraid to leave behind..the skinny....the control...the restricting...the unhealthy addiction that I believed was my purpose, believed what made me ME...I KNEW, and admitted, did not make me happy. In fact, that entire comment points to the fact that this attachment of mine had zero influence on my actual happiness. Did not matter if I was over weight or under weight, either weight, I was destined to be unhappy. I was not aware at the time that what I was hungry for was relationship with Jesus. That what I craved was knowing my identity as His daughter. But so long as I held tight to this disorder of mine, life would never be put in order. As long as I insisted I be in control, I would never experience the abundant life God had intended for me, as a surrendered soul. This was a hard place that I chose, that I created, that I put myself in and made myself prisoner of. It was a place that lived off of blindness and self reliance, selfishness, self hatred. It was a lie. It was a trap. And it was a dead end road.
But the road we walk with Jesus? This road does not lead to death. This road leads to life. Even if it is bumpy, even if it is rocky, even if it is scary, even if it feels like an absolute mistake and that your GPS got it wrong...it leads to life. So long as you are following HIM, you are on the right road.
Ah, yes...but how do we know we are following Him? Great question!
I have no idea.
Just kidding!
Following Jesus, and knowing that you are following Jesus, just might be the easiest, yet most difficult thing we could ever do. All that it requires is admitting that you need Him. And once you do that, you will hear His voice. And you will follow. But oh man...who the heck wants to admit that? I mean, honestly. We don't like to admit we need anything, or anyone, let alone, Jesus! We would much rather white knuckle it through..numb it with a drink or shopping...continue complaining (oh, how we love to complain, and don't even pretend that you don't) ignore it by spending hours swiping screens, renovating our already renovated homes, running an extra lap, gossiping about others, flirting outside of our marriages just to feel like we still got it, over eating, over spending, and oh, how this list can go on and on and on. And this list? These things? These everyday, seemingly harmless, human attachments? These are what we are prisoners of. And these are the things Jesus says to let go of. These are the things we have grown to know and to love better than Him. These are the things we are so afraid to let go of, so afraid to lose. And these are the things that keep us stuck in hard places; unhappy and unsatisfied, knowing there must be more, but having no idea what that more is.
If it helps ease your fear, assuming you might be in this place, I am a follower of Jesus. I am a prisoner for the Lord. The moment I emptied my pockets and recognized I was worthy of so much more, destined for so much better, I realized that losing things means gaining Christ, and that Christ is so much better, so much greater, than anything we hang onto. Your life will not be LESS..it will be MORE. Once I heard His voice, I understood this. But it is not a one day deal. A one time hear, get up and follow. This is an everyday encounter, an everyday decision, an everyday intentional get up and follow. Every morning when I wake up, before my feet hit the floor, before I check my phone, before I talk to anyone, including the dumb dog, I have to declare who I am in Christ, and I have to give Him my day. I surrender it all, and I ask for His help, because good grief folks, I need it. Desperately, so. And every day, guess what? I fail. Sometimes before my first cup of coffee, sometimes around 4pm when the kids come home, sometimes when the sun goes down, and always, when the dogs run away to the neighbors yard and I think and say words that I shouldn't. But that is ok. Because when I can admit my failures, I am encouraged to do better. When I recognize my short comings and sins, I am urged to reflect and consider my littleness, understand my weakness. I am reminded that I am a sinner, and that I need His mercy. And while this might sound like a hard place to be, it is also the most beautiful.
Because this is the place where Jesus is. It is the customs post where Matthew sits, it is the table of tax collectors and sinners (Matthew 9:9-13) and if you look hard enough, you will see me there, sitting among them. No longer hiding my sickness, listening to my healer, admitting my need, and following Him.
