just sort of ...there.

I'm not deep in the valley, but I am most certainly not on the mountain top, either. I'm just sort of...there.

Faith does this. Can be like this. One day, it is a burning bush, the next day, it is an empty well. And sometimes, you can pin point exactly why...financial fears, worry over a child, marital troubles, health issues, loneliness, nine animals in your house that you regret ever bringing home. And other times, you just aren't so sure. You just aren't feeling it. Maybe you have weathered a series of obstacles, and while you have survived the storms, for the most part-you are feeling fatigued, and you are not overly sad or unreasonably depressed, you are just sort of ...there. No fire. Well empty.

I hate this place. Even though I know and believe that even Jesus can set a table in the desert, that even Jesus can work with our dryness, that even Jesus can cut through the heat and bring some cool breeze relief...I hate it because it makes me feel like I am no longer connected to my faith. It makes me feel like I am not holding up my end of the spiritual deal. It makes me feel like I have fallen away, gotten out of practice, cut myself from the vine. It is a joyless place. A place where you wake up, open your eyes, and rather than praise the Lord for another breath, another day with those you love, you sigh loudly, and wish you had just ten more hours to sleep, because you have nothing of value today to look forward to, no reason to get up at all.

Do you ever feel like this?

If you read today's Gospel (and go ahead and do so, because it is like two seconds long and you totally have the time...seriously...Luke 8:19-21. It will take you longer to read your "friends" facebook status than to read God's living Word) what sounds like Jesus dismissing His mother and disciples is actually His way of reminding us how very much we are loved by Him; loved like He loves His own mother, his own brothers. (FYI-the disciples, like all of us, are Jesus's brothers and sisters....Mary did not give birth to them all...she only gave birth to Jesus. He just loves them so much, he considers them family. You know, like your bestie from high school that your kids call Aunt or Uncle. That kind of love. That kind of closeness.) In Bishop Barron's reflection this morning, he writes, "Friends, in today's Gospel Jesus identifies his disciples as his family." So, let's just start there, shall we? Let's start our day remembering this truth: you are, we are deeply loved by Jesus. No matter where we wake up and find ourselves today. We are loved, and we are to live loved. We are to live loved, as disciples of Jesus. (and I am currently reading Uninvited, by Lysa TerKeurst, who speaks of this idea of living loved. And I stole that from her. Because it is just so good.)

So maybe, let's just say, we are not living this way. We are not feeling the love and we are not following Jesus completely. I ask then...not just of you, but also of myself...what or who are we following? If we are not disciples of Jesus, what are we disciples of? Bishop Barron says, "Maybe it is money, material things, power, or the esteem of others. Perhaps it is your family, your kids, your wife, your husband. None of this is false, and none of these things are bad. But when you place any of them in the absolute center of gravity, things go awry."

And you know what I think, as I read this? I think that the feeling of just being there....the feeling of a dried up well, a distinguished faith...I think that happens when we allow things, people, worry, discouragement, to move into the center of gravity; to take the place of where Jesus once was. And what can I say, other than, it happens. We are human. And it happens. But Jesus is still there, of course...if He were not, well then, we wouldn't think twice about feeling disconnected, or absent...we would simply move on. But the point is, I suppose, is that He is no longer front and center in our everyday lives. When we wake up and think of ourselves, our kids, our problems, or jobs first, and not of Him, He has been replaced. And this place...not deep in the valley, but not on the top of the mountain either...I think this is the place where things have the tremendous ability to go awry.

But putting Jesus before everything...especially our family, is no joke, no simple thing. It requires a grace upon grace that can only happen if we truly make the decision to follow Jesus and not the crowd. In today's very short Gospel of Luke that you promise me you will read, Luke says, "The mother of Jesus and his brothers came to him but were unable to join him because of the crowd." Remember my love of words? Well, this right here...LOVE. BECAUSE OF THE CROWD. Because oh man, is my head and heart so crowded. And we all have a crowd. We all have people or circumstances or fears or even joys, that get in our way, stand blocking Jesus, that keep us from reaching Him. So maybe a simple thing to do today, if you feel like I feel, is to identify your crowd.

What keeps me from making Jesus my top priority?

What have I allowed to stand between me and my God?

What is most important to me, if it is not Jesus?

I think these are good things to ask of ourselves, as we stand in the middle, not feeling it, and somewhat bored with our faith. Because we cannot stand in one place forever. Not if we want to transform our lives, not if we hope to change ourselves and better the world. We need to move. We need to go on mission. And so where do we go from here? Well, we have two choices. Down into the deep valley, or up high on the mountain. And don't get me wrong. Both have their place. Both serve a purpose. And actually, my best prayers have been whispered in the blackest and deepest of holes. But even in the darkness, we can choose to just be there without Christ....or we can choose to just be there with Christ.

None of this easy, people. I get it.

Personally,I prefer the mountain top feeling.

But if we are to be followers of Christ, it means we follow Him everywhere. To the top. To the bottom. And to the middle. Keeping Him front and center. Pushing away the crowd, and living loved, no matter where He leads us.

It is ok to feel like you are just there today. Just be there with Jesus. Because even in the desert, life still grows.