my day veiled, exposed, and dressed like a famous Chinese bear. I'd like to say I made the whole

My yesterday morning. You just can't make it up.

Upon arriving at 9am Mass, I immediately noticed a dear friend. I noticed her, because for the first time, she was veiled. And the two of us, I don't remember when...but we had talked about wearing veils to Mass. There are not many women who still hold this tradition at our Catholic church, but there are a few and there is just something so sacred, so traditional about its simplicity and beauty. I was pleasantly surprised to see that this friend of mine took the plunge---took the radical road---and went out and bought herself a veil. Good for her.

Before taking my usual spot in the same exact pew (we Catholics...we just love to sit in the same spot, don't we?) I kneeled down quietly beside my friend, to tell her how beautiful she looked. Ya know, give her the ol' thumbs it, go you. And before I could say a word, she reached into her purse, and pulled out an identical veil. "I got you one, too!" She smiled, and handed me the veil. "Isn't it pretty?"

OK. So my very first thought?

This totally doesn't match my outfit. I mean, AT. ALL. It had a floral print on it, and my skirt was a different pattern of colors, and I don't know...I imagined that if I ever were to wear a veil, it would be a little more Anthropologie- like, a little less Dress Barn...is that wrong?

And my second thought?

Holy crap, I have to wear this thing.

Because I did. I did have to. She bought it for me as a gift, because I had expressed a desire. But for the record, I have also expressed a desire to go on a mission trip to India...or to do something really radical, like grow my hair out or paint the dining room a bold color or eliminate sugar from my diet.

And it is interesting, isn't it? For my friend to wear the veil...this was a touching and most incredible and humbling outward sign of her devotion to Jesus. But for me to wear the veil? It was down right embarrassing.

What would people think?

Will I look like I am acting holier than everyone around me?

Will they think I have zero fashion sense because IT DID NOT MATCH MY OUTFIT? AT ALL?

I thought about pulling the entire veil down over my face.

Maybe I could poke out eye holes.

This was a real thought, people.

The entire Mass, all I could feel and think about was that veil on my stupid head.

It was completely distracting.

And I am pretty sure, NOT the intention behind veiling.

I am pretty sure the veil is not meant to point to ME but to point to HIM.

And I am absolutely sure women veil themselves for reasons other than they hope to feel like an %!$hole.

After gathering in the front of the church, with my veil hidden deep within the garbage bag on my shoulder, disguised as my purse (Seriously. The things I carry around are flat out garbage. Like, ACTUAL garbage...wrappers, torn papers, banana peels, used tissues, the recycling...you think I am joking, but sadly, I am not), I made a quick trip to the grocery store, ran into a girlfriend, chatted some more, then made my way out. And as I was walking to my car, I felt...well...how do I say this politely on a Catholic blog...let's just say, there was a part of my body....a private part, let's call it.... that I felt might be...well...ok...I am just going to just say it. I assume everyone reading is a woman. It was my nipple, ok? My right nipple. It had popped out. OK, so not completely out of my shirt...but absolutely out of my bra, and well...IT WAS OBVIOUS. Think Jennifer Aniston. That kind of nipple showing. And my first thought was not, "Did everyone at the grocery store see my nipple??" No. My first thought was, "Good grief, was my nipple out while I was wearing that veil?????" I mean, to what end, Lord?? To what end????

I adjusted myself, got into my car, but before driving off, I checked my right eye in the mirror. It had been bothering me all morning, but between the veil and the nipple, I ignored it. So I pulled down the mirror, hoping to not see the beginning stages of pink eye....

People.

My eye make up?

IT WAS EVERYWHERE.

Not sort of smudged. Not a few marks of mascara on my eyelid, or streaked eye liner beneath the eye. I LOOKED LIKE A FREAKING PANDA. No joke. THAT crazy. Seriously? If I wanted to dress like a panda, I would have done my eye make up EXACTLY like the way it looked. I looked so much like a Panda, that I am surprised animal control didn't show up and trap me at Stop n Shop and bring me back to the zoo. Absolute PANDA. And all I could think was...WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME????

If you have something green in your teeth, I will tell you.

If your tag is sticking out of the back of your shirt, I will tell you.

If you have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe, I will tell you.

IF YOU HAVE A VEIL ON YOUR HEAD AND YOUR NIPPLE IS OUT AND YOU LOOK LIKE A PANDA....I WILL TELL YOU!!!!!

I mean, what on earth was God trying to tell me? What on earth could this lesson possibly be? Buy a bigger bra? Don't rub your eyes when wearing eye make up? Don't wear patterned outfits to mass in case you are handed a floral veil? Make better friends because clearly the ones you have like you to go out in public looking ridiculous?? JUST DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE EVER?????

You know, I researched the whole veil thing when I got home. And by researched, I mean, I googled a few links while in bed. Because ya know, my friend, the veiled one..she briefly told me she watched a video on woman veiling...that is what pulled her back to this sacred tradition, that is what awakened the voice in her heart that asked her to veil herself while in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. I asked her to please send it to me. And I pray that she does. Because honestly? I do not feel called to that right now. At least I don't think. I don't know. I need to pray about it. I need to understand it better. And clearly, I need to plan my outfit accordingly. I think the reason I felt so uncomfortable, so self-focused, was because I did not wear it with the right intentions. I did not choose it for myself that morning. It was not a response to a call. And I think the reason why all I could think about at Mass was that veil, the reason I was oblivious to my protruding right nipple and my spot on panda impersonation, was because this was not something I had felt personally called to do.

The veil is a calling.

The nipple and the panda is not. (just in case you are wondering)

And just like the Holy Spirit gives us each different gifts, I believe we are also individually called to serve and to know and to love God in different ways. The prideful- me wants to wear that veil. The selfish -me wants to wear that veil. The works hard to earn God's love -me wants to wear that veil. The see how holy I am- me REALLY wants to wear that veil. But does the humble, hidden sacrificing, I do all things to glorify Him- me want to wear that veil? Does this make any sense?

And to be honest...I felt badly yesterday. I did. I felt badly for being so hyper aware of what felt like my Italian grandmother's table cloth draped over my head. I felt badly for feeling stupid. I felt badly for wanting a veil that was a little more vintage lace-like, in a solid, earthly toned color. I felt badly that at one point in the mass, I started to feel so hot, I thought I might faint, and I wondered...is it just warm and I should have eaten breakfast, or am I so focused on my standing out for Jesus, that I might actually drop dead, right now, in front of everybody?

But God is so faithful. Because if I had fainted...in that veil, with that nipple and the panda make- up...I actually would have preferred to be dead. Dying veiled, exposed and dressed like a bear native to south central China is just not what I envisioned for myself. It is just not the way I pray that I go.

I am not convinced I will not wear my veil again. I am intrigued. I am touched by my friend. I am certain that at the very least, God is asking me to consider this. Because lately? Lately, I have felt the need to step out of my comfort zone just a little bit more. Lately, I have felt a tugging on my heart...a pulling...and I am not sure to where, but to something deeper, something simpler, something that is not of my own doing. And maybe it is the veil. I don't know. I need more time to listen.

This morning, after coffee with Jesus, I came across this website and video. I'd like to say that I was doing more veil tradition research, but to be honest? I was just wondering what different veils looked like, and maybe, I could find one that would make me look like Ivanka Trump when she visited the Pope. If you have 6 minutes...watch this, would you? Especially to the very end...my heart filled up in a most unexpected way--yours will too. It may not be enough to convince you or me to sport a veil at the next mass, but it will get you thinking. It sure got me thinking. About God. About how we approach Him. About our reverence. About our humility. About our beauty. About how we adore Him. About why we go to Mass and who we go for.

One of the interviewed women in this short video has this to say...

"You have to know who you are coming to see in the church. You are not coming to see other people. You are coming to see the Lord."

It's a good thing to think about. A good thing to sort of marinate yourself in. Are we going to church to see people, and to be seen by people? Or is our focus on something better. SomeOne better. Like I said, a good thing to think about.

And maybe you will see me one day veiled. Maybe you won't. But if you do, I pray that I am wearing it because I was called to. I pray that I am wearing it without caring what other people think, because I do not veil for others, but I veil for Christ. And God willing, I pray you will never see me with my nipple out made up like a panda.

But who can say for sure?