helpless and weak, and grateful for it

It is the honest truth.

I was helpless.

But God saved me.

In fact, I am still helpless.

And everyday, He saves me.

(Ya know...when I am not so full of my own pride to accept His help.)

And so this is is why I follow.

This is why I let Him take the lead.

"He guides me to the right path;

he is true to his name.

If I should walk in the valley of darkness

no evil would I fear.

You are there with your crook and your staff;

with these you give me comfort."

The famous Psalm 23.

You do not have to read the Bible to know it.

Even my dog knows it.

And memorizing it in full is on my bucket list.

Along with finding where the heck I packed my shoes when we moved.

But let's be honest here for just a hot second.

"no evil would I fear"???

Can I truly memorize this, pray this, and actually believe it?

Because I, my sweet Sisters in Christ?

I LIVE IN FEAR.

I can tattoo this Psalm, this verse on my face...and still, I would arise, look in the mirror, and have something...an old past, a new worry, a future anxiety, that would frighten me.

It would also probably not be a good look on me. The face tattoo. Just saying.

I think we are all afraid of something and I think no matter how many times we read "be not afraid" we still hold on to fear like an old baby blanket. I joke with people telling them that I live in code red, only I am not joking. I do. If my phone rings, my heart drops. Like, seriously, it drops. So stop calling me. You are scaring me. If the weather looks if-y and I have to drive somewhere, I start to sweat, and my heart rate goes up super fast. Surely, I will crash and die. If my husband is traveling and I am alone in the house, every sound I hear, every time the dog barks, I become paralyzed...someone must be about to break in. (and yes, we have an alarm. But the thought of it going off?? Terrifies me)

Fear?

Fear is not from God.

Fear is from the devil.

And yeah, yeah I know...people are sick of all of the devil talk. Which is exactly what the devil wants. Push it all to the side, ignore it and carry on...evil isn't really real, right?

Wrong.

It is very real.

Have you watched the news? (I don't. It scares me)

So stay alert, and sober. And recognize the weapon that Satan is using against you. His weapon is fear.

But we find hope in Scripture, if we are wise to read it. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us this:

"For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self control."

You see? That thing you are afraid of this morning? That fear that has you standing still, or worse, in reverse? It does not come from God.

And maybe your fear is irrational. When my daughter was in the third grade, she developed some serious anxiety and OCD and every night when I tucked her in she made me promise that while she slept, her fingers would not be crushed like grapes. This is a true story. She feared her fingers would be crushed like grapes while she slept. My oldest son happened to walk by her room one night and overheard this, and burst into laughter. Because to the one who is rational and not afraid, clearly, this fear is ridiculous. But it was not to her. The fear was real. And so every night I prayed over her, and promised her that her fingers, while she slept, would not be crushed like grapes.

This was an easy promise for a mother to make.

But I can not promise my children that every fear they have will not happen. And I can not promise that to you, or myself either. And so I think this is where we fall weak in the battle. Because we have seen bad things happen. We know scary is out there. We recognize that much of life is spent in the dark bitter valley and that at the end of the day, we really do not have too much of a say as to how things will unfold. And we hate this don't we? We want to know the plan and we want to be in control of it. We want to avoid discomfort at all costs...and I mean, ALL COSTS- event at the cost of ending a life-and we will back away from anything that creates any sort of issue or problem or difficulty, because we like a smooth life with no road bumps and go out of our way to avoid what might thwart OUR plan. We crave a feel good life. A life according to our plan. And there is no place for fear in a feel good life because fear feels far from good. Fear feels like torment. And it is.

So how do we approach this battlefield and do we even stand a chance on the front line, because honestly, if you google things people fear, the list is endless and even fearing fear is on the list. What is our weapon? What do we reach for to protect ourselves from the evil one? The liar is who telling us that a good life means one that runs smoothly and perfectly all of the time. The one who convinces us that there must be no God with all of the bad things that are happening and so it is time we stop following this ridiculous make believe faith and put that faith where it belongs...in ourselves... and become our own gods, carve out our own paths, choose our own destiny. How do we fight what feels like the entire world today believes and even marches pridefully for?

Because I have a problem with this. Even as the most frightened woman on the face of the earth, as I am convinced I am, I still have a problem with this idea of turning my back on God and taking all matters into my own hands. Even when gripped with fear when that stupid dog is at the window GROWLING and it is 3am and my husband is not at home and surely I am about to die....even then, I have a problem. Because remember, I was rescued by God. I have seen His power in my own life. And if I recall all of those times that were truly, the scariest times in my life...HE CAME THROUGH. Maybe not in the way I would have liked. Definitely not as quickly and immediately as I would have liked, hello generation of the instant pot. But even so. He always comes through. He always shows up. And go figure, but the One who created EVERYTHING actually knows best.

If I am being honest, which why should I be anything but...would be stupid to lie to you...the darkness? The bitter valley? The discomfort? The circumstance I would give both legs and at least one of the dogs to make go away? I feel them strengthening me. I see how God wastes nothing by taking those very things I fear, and using them to make me stronger, training me for battle. And as much as I hate it? I love it just as much. As much as I wish life was free of all inconveniences? I recognize that these are the very things that make me feel powerful.These are the very things that keep me on my knees, where I belong. Because nothing is safer than abiding in Him. No fear can take me down when I am bowed down to Him.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear." (1 John 5: 18)

This verse here? This here is our weapon. Our reminder. God, who is Love, who is the lover of our soul, who is everything that Satan is not, stands with us in the face of fear. And He calls us to take one step forward. To not stand still paralyzed. But to press on forward. With Him as our guide. With Him as our shield. He will drive out the fear.

You, my sweet friend...and me....all of us on this earth, and all of those yet to be born...we have been "fearfully and wonderfully made--our frame was not hidden from God, when we were being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth." (psalm 139) Life is not an accident. Not yours. Not mine. Not our children. Every life matters. We were chosen to be here on this earth to complete a very specific work, and so living in fear is not an option now, is it? Fearing the gift of life goes against everything this beautiful world that God created for us is all about. We have this almighty Father...this good, good Father, who did not ever promise there would be no darkness...I mean good grief, but have you even read the Passion?? Do you know what He endured? The crown of thorns placed on His head was no party hat, folks. IT WAS PAINFUL. The cross was INCONVENIENT. And yet, it was Gods plan. And trust me, the day you fully recognize what He has sacrificed for you, you will drop to your knees and cry oceans of tears. The day we all recognize how precious life is and how much we have taken it for granted is going to be one sorrowfully joyful, glorious day.

And how did I get here? How did I even go from fear to life?

Because if I look at my own life which is riddled with fear, I see how much it prevents me from living. How much it has cost me.

And if I look at my own life, the choices I have made and make, I can recognize that so much of what guides me is NOT my trust in the Lord, that He will work all things for good, that He knows well the plans He has for me and that they are to prosper me...but rather, my FEAR that even if I know which path is right...it might hurt. The fear that even if I know in my heart the right decision, the moral and righteous choice...it will be difficult, inconvenient, and will require me to lose myself and so much of the earthly comforts I hold onto. It is the devil's best scheme, to keep me afraid. To destroy life at every stage possible. Praise be to God, though, that God is more powerful. Praise be to God, though, that the victory has already been won.

I see so many scared women trying so hard to hold onto the control. Of their life, their bodies, their relationships, their jobs, even their ministry work which is ironic, but true. And I get it.

But then I recall....my most powerful moments, the times I have felt the greatest, most intense love and protection, were the times I let go of the reigns, and held onto Him. I am at my strongest when I am able to humble myself and admit my weakness. I feel the largest, when I become little before Him. Truthfully? I am overwhelmed with gratitude in the knowing that I am NOT in control because frankly, I make stupid choices all too often. I need Him. I need to be lead. And this is not a sign of my weakness. And with all that I fear, admitting that I need a Savior is not one of them.

It is good to be helpless so long as we acknowledge our helper;

So long as we step forward boldly in this weary mixed up world, and fight hard for the helpless, no matter the cost.

"The Lord protects the simple."

And today, this is good news.

I like simple. I like simple a lot.

I was helpless, but God saved me.

Whom shall I fear?