St. Paul, Jenna Guizar, and why I am encouraging you to lock your kids in the closet

After Jesus and Mary, Saint Paul is the guy I am making a bee line for, sitting down, and sharing a few beers with. As a woman with the ability to sin in extraordinary ways, I am completely drawn to his powerful encounter, and conversion. But most of all, what attracts me to Saint Paul is what Saint Catherine of Siena describes as his "wholly fleeing of himself." What Sister Ruth Burrows describes as "his acting from a sincere heart."

I want to wholly flee from a lot of people.

But mainly, myself.

Because I do not know how to do this. To truly, and I mean T R U L Y set my entire will aside and rest in the center of God's. To go out and preach to the whole world, without ever, and I mean E V E R boasting of myself.

The spiritual struggle is real. And for those whose work is ministry, whose Boss is GOD....it can get confusing. Am I doing this, excited about this, wanting this for HIM? Or am I doing this, excited about this, wanting this for ME? And even so, even if I am...is that wrong? I am struggling with this today.

Maybe if God could show up in a dazzling, unexpected way, I would have some clarity. Maybe I should read more spiritual books, or join another ministry, or listen to another podcast, or read another article....fill myself up with everything until something sticks.

Saint Paul had a most dramatic, sudden encounter with Christ. A real show stopper of an appearance. Blinding light, and a booming voice...if it were a play, I would totally make that the end of Act 1. But what if God's encounter with us is not always sudden or dramatic? Can it be just as moving? Can it be just as powerful?

I think so. The key thing here to think about is can we be faithful in both big and small matters? Can we stay invisible while serving Him and be okay with that? But if called to do big things- to go out into the whole world and proclaim the Gospel in bold ways--can we remain humble holding loosely, always remembering that none of this is ours? None of this ought to point to ourselves?

Can we seek Him without striving and simply abiding?

Because oh, sweet friends...we are such strivers, aren't we?

If you have not listened to Abiding Together's latest podcast with Jenna Guizar you really need to just ignore everything in your life right now and listen. Seriously. Put the dog in the closet and lock your kids out....or lock the dog out and put the kids in the closet...and listen. I have played it back multiple times, all the while trying to write down everything...and I mean practically EVERYTHING that came out of this young woman's heart. Not her mouth. Her heart. Because she spoke about all of the things that I have been trying to unpack and figure out. Things like striving vs. abiding. Things like just being. Things like simply sitting in His presence vs grabbing everything in front of you. She says, "I constantly just want to sit with open hands and I don't want to reach out and grab everything that I can to keep for myself or to have for the ministry."

I can be a grabber. And I don't want to be a grabber anymore. Grabbers are rude and annoying and self seeking and someone always gets hurt. Don't believe me? Go buy a pinata filled with candy and invite ten kids over...then just watch.

I want to lose the grabbing hands and I want to approach Him with OPEN HANDS.

"..we constantly want to be striving as opposed to just being with Him."

Relationship with Christ is not about how much we do for Him, but how much we rest with Him. We love to to see our kids play and run but is it not true that the best thing ever is when they crawl onto our laps, rest their heads on our chest, and fall asleep? When they can just be? When they wholly flee from themselves and melt into us?

When Paul heard the voice of God he asked, "What shall I do, sir?" And so today that is my question as well. I will not search the Internet for inspiration, or look for the next thing to fill me...I do not want to be a spiritual consumer, but only a grace receiver and giver. But to recognize grace, I need to stop moving. To give and receive I need to know what it is I am even looking for. When all is said and done, what I want is to simply sit in His presence with open hands. To climb onto His lap and fall asleep. To just be. And as Jenna says, that is all that He wants. And that is enough.