shattered pieces glued with His mercy: what I am thinking about when I should be packing lunches

God has been gracing and gifting me with new opportunities lately to share my faith and lead others to Him, and of course in true God fashion, He has given it all at once, and always perfectly timed at the start of some sort of kick in the gut crisis, and so I sit in my sinking boat wondering, "Is this really all from God or do I paddle back to shore grab a latte and forget about it all because it feels like too much?"

I am all for the latte grabbing. Especially if someone else buys it for me because good grief, honestly people, where the heck does the money go? But I can not forget about it all. I firmly believe that God is asking me to step out and do these things and that His grace is sufficient. If He wants it to happen, He will make it happen. At least that is what I tell Him constantly. No need to strive on my end. But only to abide, right? I believe this. Most of the time. Hey. I am human. I still have my doubts.

I have two retreats coming up where God has blessed me with the chance to stand up and let Him speak through me to other women. His precious daughters. And I am feeling the weight of this responsibility. I recognize the importance of being His servant of truth, of gathering up all of the shattered pieces of my past and somehow glueing them back with His mercy to create some sort of picture that others might understand. Some sort of testimony that points straight at Him. Some sort of thread of words that helps women wake up to the truth of who they really are. Of who they are being called to be.

Because is it just me, or does it feel like so many women have yet to have their true self revealed to them? Have yet to experience the presence of God? Have yet to drop the many masks that they wear?

I have been praying a lot and trying to read more...keeping my eyes, ears and heart open to what God wants me to message, rather than what message I think others need to hear, or what message I think I would sound really good relaying. Because that is a temptation you know. To put the spotlight on myself. To seek attention for myself. To be the star of the show.

But there is only one star. And when followed, it leads not only to the manger, but also to the cross.

And it puts it all into perspective doesn't it? All the heart ache and bad choices and unwise decisions and the blatant back turning on my God....all the junk that is a part of my broken story and always will be that I wish were not there...I need those pieces. Do I wish that I was that Steubenville college girl , that Focus missionary, that good Catholic girl that went to Adoration in college (or even knew what Adoration was when in college!) got married, homeschooled my children and celebrated the liturgical year and every darn feast day with candles and prayers and the understanding of who I was and what I was meant to be? Yes. An enormous, regretful part of me absolutely wishes that. But when I erase the wounds, I also erase the Healer. When I eliminate all the stress and anxiety and loneliness and emptiness and suffering and searching and hitting that low....I remove the very moment in my journey that changed the course of my life.

We all have a story we would like to rewrite, but today I am finding peace in the knowing that it is the broken pieces of me that God gathered and used to lead me back to me. The real me. The true me.

And so these are the things rattling around my head and heart as I try to figure out what the heck to pack my son for lunch...the wilted bag of kale, or the half a jar of moldy salsa???....because that brilliant day in the church alone, five years ago, when on bended knees I uttered those three dangerous words, "USE ME, LORD"...that was the day that God stopped me in my tracks, and turned me back to Him. That was the day I stopped denying the woman that God created me to be. That is the day the pieces that I believed were useless shards of glass, came together in a glorious design and reflected His perfect light. Not because of anything I had done. But all because of everything He has done and continues to do.

And this is what I want to talk about. This is what I want women to think about. Are you denying the woman God created you to be? And if so, then you sweet friend, are in a beautiful mess of a place. Because I happen to know someOne who works wonders in the mess. I happen to know someOne who is dying to piece you back together again, to make your heart whole, to reveal your true self back to you. And when you do this. When you find your way back to God and follow His will for you, He will use you in unimaginable ways. He will do works in and through you in ways you could never, ever imagine.

Don't change your story. And don't erase your story, either. Let it lead you to the Author of your life that writes so much better than we do. And when we can do this, when we turn back to Him and give Him our lives in His hands, the masks will drop and the pieces will come together and WE, His Beloved, will be revealed.

He gathers shattered pieces. He makes all things new.