pockets of seeds and heroic charity and why you need that one person in your life who hates you

No one wants enemies and no one wants to be rejected. We long to be loved and admired and liked by all. But remember. We are Jesus followers. And not everyone liked Jesus when he walked this earth. I am sure he got looks. And today, by many, He continues to be ignored.

Quite possibly the only thing worse than someone giving you a look...is when they do not look at you at all.

And yet, we are expected to love these people that God calls his own. And yet, we are expected to love others as God loves us. Even those who give us that look. Even those that ignore us.

I do not posses this gift of "heroic charity" as Dorothy Day calls it. To love the enemy, to look beyond that cutting remark or that thankless response, to see them not their sin, as God so perfectly and mercifully sees us.

I am not sure if my "keeping in check with my heart" this Lent is bearing any sort of fruits just yet. To be honest, all I feel is the sting of the realization that my heart is a judgmental, terrified, too sensitive, mostly selfish, and not quick to dole out mercy... glob of a mess. Entitled, actually. Because of all that I endure...shouldn't I get some sort of break?

And I keep thinking that maybe God will be easy on me...ya know...put only the people who have encouraging things to say in my path, considering the journey of heartache I am currently walking. That maybe He would protect me from those with biting words, smile-less faces... or God forbid...keep away those who appear to simply not like me at a distance....

And then I read more of Dorothy Day's words.

"But these things happen for our discouragement, for our testing. We are sowing the seed of love, and we are not living in the harvest time."

These freakin' seeds. How many, Lord, will you ask me to plant? How many until I see one small green blade emerge from the dark and cold? You know I kill every plant. I am not a gifted gardener. Weeds? No problem. I can grow those.

My pockets are filled with these seeds, they are pouring through my hands. Just one, Lord...I am asking for just one small seed to take root. This year, Lord. Please let this be this year.

I am waiting for the growth. And while I wait in anticipation I am discouraged by the bitterness and frustration you send me in the forms of people who do know know and therefor do not care. And when your heart feels it is just one more stomp away from complete mutilation, and then God puts a challenging person or situation right in your face...good grief, but you have to wonder.

But all this heart checking. Maybe it is not so much all about my own heart I need to be looking at, but more so, the heart of others. The hearts of the ones who challenge me, test me, ignore me, reject me, do not like me.

I want to love like Jesus loves me and I want to forgive and show mercy just as He gives and shows me. But I also want a fast pass when life is rocky and I feel He is simply asking too much of me.

And the thing that drives me crazy is that I am not ignorant and I know better. Because if my heart were healed and the wounds were gone would I even need to give those that rub me the wrong way a second look? Or would I just skip on along, condemning them in my heart and judging them in my mind as I buy myself a latte and pat myself on the back all the while thinking, "what a sinner that one is."

"It is the crushed heart which is the soft heart, the tender heart" said a Carmelite nun to Dorothy Day. Which is a good thing to read when you feel like your heart is being crushed unfairly. Which is a good thing to remember when God places people in our paths who are indifferent or rude or seem to care very little about us. Because my full heart is usually so full of me that I do not even consider what the enemies heart might look like. But my crushed heart is more likely to pause and consider...to even possibly forgive and show mercy. Because what if...perhaps...their heart is crushed too?

The crushed heart in me, it appears, holds more of Jesus then when it is full. Breaking me down to nothing, really what else is there to hold onto, but him?

God is so good at doing this and I hate it all the while. To take my heart that wants to stop beating because one more second of life like this feels impossible...and then to fill it with a desire to press on ...to love and forgive others as He loves and forgives us no matter the cost; to expect heroic charity when moments ago you were convinced that you had nothing left to give.

We are not living in the harvest time. But Gods word and promise will not return to us empty. And so with crushed hearts, we continue to reach for the seeds, and painfully we plant, expecting nothing in return, but knowing it is the only way to live.