imaginary needs

Ever since the fish died, the house has been so quiet.

That's a joke.

Actually, yesterday? Yesterday my house was anything but quiet. The girls were laughing like crazy downstairs about something...and Luke was upstairs virtually playing with a group of friends loudly. And the entire time I was trying to "rest"; in bed with coffee and a few books, I was reading and trying my hardest to be still on the Sabbath.

So. Not . Easy.

As soon as I sit to be still, my head is flooded with all of those things I am not doing.

As soon as I stop moving and racing, I can see the dust and the dog hair that has taken over my home. Honestly? There is so much hair that if I just ignore it another week, it will look like wall to wall carpeting.

Quiet.

It is hard to be.

And hard to find.

But so important.

I spent my entire Saturday with about 130 women on retreat; amazing women who I will bet, find it hard to find the quiet. Hard to be quiet. Women who are looking for peace, for hope, for healing, for guidance, for their purpose, for an intimate relationship with God. What a gift they gave themselves that day...to sit down...to listen to the things that matter...to meet other sisters in Christ. What a gift they were to me.

The day was both energizing and exhausting. I came home completely drained, but my heart full. Working for the Lord will do that, you know. And we ought to be working for the Lord. We ought to be making time for Him. We ought to be resting at His feet. Walking hand in hand with Him, trusting that no matter where He takes us, it is for our good.

The book I was, and am reading, while my house was full of life and laughter is Into Your Hands, Father: Abandoning Ourselves to the God Who Loves Us, by Wilfred Stinissen. It was a gift from a friend...a timely gift...and the choice to pick it up and begin reading was timely, as well.

Because you know what? I am tired of complaining about how hard life is. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of being anxious. I am tired of looking to the future..to the what might happen...and allowing it to completely ruin my present moment. I am tired of being afraid. PERIOD.

One of the women at my table...85 years old...she said she was looking for acceptance of her age and all that comes with it. To surrender. She has stayed stuck in my mind. And as I read my book on abandoning myself, to the sound of laughter and x-box screams, and as I look back on the sweet women at my table...most over the age of 70, who blessed me in unimaginable ways, I understand that this right here? This surrender? This total giving it all to God? This is it, folks. This is key. This is the answer. This is the path to letting go of all that worry and anxiety and fear and being able to rest in the quiet, even when, especially when, it is not really all that quiet.

And it is so gosh darn hard.

But it would be a shame for me to miss what is happening here. Because in this present fear and worry, there have been life lines thrown my way. The laughter of sisters downstairs, who for a day, opened their teenage doors and allowed each other in. The little boy on x-box with his group of friends, who not too long ago cried about nobody liking him, the gorgeous women at my table on retreat, whose names are now tucked into my Bible and heart forever, and this tiny book that is no ordinary gift, but an extraordinary one, speaking straight to my heart-words I so desperately need to hear.

We all want to surrender and give it to God, but until we believe that He is actually in control, that He knows what He is doing...we never will. Nobody threads a tapestry like He does, and nobody writes as well as He does, and we know this, but yet we fight it. We fight it hard when there is loss or death or addiction or pain or sorrow or unkindness or whatever it is that feels uncomfortable, unfair, and unbelievable.

In a mad thread of texts yesterday as I worked my way through the pages of my book I asked my friend, "could you imagine what our responses to life would be if we did not have faith?" Because if I doubt and pushback with faith...good grief...what kind of despairing pit would I be in without it?

"If we do not dare to walk hand in hand with God, whose hand shall we choose?"

I read that in my new book, and I thought today, you should read that too. Because it is a brand new week and we have a choice today. Walk with Him, let go of it all...or walk with something, someone else, and carry all the junk along with us. Personally? I'd like a junk free Monday.

My goal today...right now...is to let go of what I have been asking God for, and to allow Him to do what needs to be done. Rather than praying for my way, I will pray that I respond well to His way. That I trust His way. Because I think the reason women are so exhausted is not so much the mini van driving, and diaper changing, and dishes and laundry doing, but that fact that as we do all of these things, we are resisting and fighting the path God has placed before us. We are pushing His will to the side because it is scary or unpleasant and deep down we believe He is wrong. We are not convinced that no matter what, we will be okay.

"God knows exactly what we need, Everything he gives is carefully measured to our needs. He is the only one who knows our true needs. When we complain, we usually do it because of our imaginary needs."

And you know, as soon as I step away from the laptop and walk into this day, this entire plan will fly out the window. Or maybe it won't. But I just might be at that place in my life when there is no other choice. I can't make dinner. Why on earth do I think I can make everything else happen? And so I choose His hand. His needs for me. To walk away from my imaginary needs and to walk head on into Him.