running and praying and doing none of it well

Warning. This could be a bit of a rant. The last two weeks were so packed with things to get done and places to be that the laundry sat and grew, and the kitchen floor reminded me way too much of the rest stop in Maryland, that if I had not already undergone some serious trauma therapy before using that bathroom, I may have never recovered.

And so there is a lot. On my mind. In my heart. Just a lot.

These are the things I just prayed about. The things causing restlessness.

Deep soul prayer.

Doing everything for His glory.

Resting in the suffering vs. begging for it to end.

Lately, I find that I pray like my dog...if she could pray. Distracted by everything. And it started while on retreat. And of course I understand that working on a retreat is not the same as being on retreat, although there are significant fruits either way, they just look different. But as soon as Father had us close our eyes, inviting the Holy Spirit to dwell in us, and suggested when a distracting thought entered our mind to get rid of it....all I could think about were distractions. Pretty sure I even made some up, just to get rid of it, as I was told to do. The harder I tried to feel that burning in my soul; for prayer to emerge from somewhere deep within, and not created out of my own mind, I thought about things...or I noticed the woman across from me who looked so effortlessly connected to the Holy Spirit...and then I would start wondering... what was wrong with me? Why am I having such a hard time with this?

I have also been increasingly aware of all that I do and for whom I am doing it for. Which is a good thing. Awareness. Right? Only....it has me second guessing everything. My writing, my work at home, my work in the world, my work-work....and I am left wondering...is any of it working? And what that even means I am not so sure but when I break it all down and lay it at His feet can I truly say, "This Lord. All of it. I did this for you. Every last bit of it."? I am not so sure.

And the suffering. Oh my word, the suffering. I caught myself yesterday growing weary to the point of tears that hit me out of nowhere, because truly, I thought I was fine. I thought I was running this race like a professional marathoner...until I caught my inner prayer as I was cleaning the floors. "How much longer, Lord? Good grief, how many more years of this?" This is not suffering well. This is not suffering for love of God. This is the "take it all away" prayer; the take the cup, and take the cross, and clean my floors while you are at it too, God, prayer.

While reading my sweet friend, Lisa Brenninkmeyer's blog post, this morning....I heard my own voice in her words. That weariness. That wanting more hours. That lack of joy, even when circumstances are joyful. If you have not yet read it, you really ought to. Because there is a better way for us to live...I know that...and maybe you do, too...but sometimes we fall back into old ways; striving and numbing and performing and trying to do things by our own strength, and all for the wrong reasons... and we set our armor down for a second...and that enemy of ours? That is the second he is waiting for. And when he sees it, he takes it.

So this Monday? This Monday is all about reclaiming who I am to the Lord, and putting on my armor and being mindful of the enemy who delights in my weariness. It is about not putting too much pressure on myself to make that great prayer, or to beat myself up when I see the pride sneak in, or to give in to despair when I find myself asking the Lord to fix everything right now. Every minute today is another opportunity to get life right, and to be the one for Jesus; the one who joins him in the desert, the one who prays by his side, the one who stands at the foot of the cross, and the one who asks for forgiveness when she fails miserably at every single bit of it.

*looking forward to Walking With Purpose's rosary call tomorrow, Tuesday, at 1 PM. Have you been on one of these calls? Oh. My. Word. So powerful! Hope you can join me! Follow me on Instagram for details.