pregnancy, poor attitude, and all the things...

Somewhere between the lost pet and my fear that I am either pregnant or just looking pregnant, weariness has settled deep within me.

And by the way, if I were pregnant...which for the record, my husband claims impossible....I am sure I would enjoy holding the newborn for like...I don't know...maybe 15 minutes. I love the baby stage. And honestly? I look back now on all those long, hard days and small troubles and issues and think...little did I know how EASY that was compared to now. I would even enjoy, for five minutes, the smell of graham crackers and apple juice on a sweet toddlers breathe, or the way they hold their arms up to you like there is nobody else in the world, and say, "up-y, up-y"...just wanting to feel safe in your arms. And the pjs. Nothing beats cute baby pj's. But what would absolutely kill me? The thought that sends me spiraling into an abyss of a deeper despair and depression than I ever knew possible? HAVING TO TAKE A CHILD TO THE PARK. Good grief, how I am so DONE with the park. If I were pregnant? Which again...would be miraculous. But IF I were? This kid would NEVER know of a park, or see a park, ever. It would be a parkless child.

And our minds do this, don't they? My therapist calls it catastrophic thinking. We have a thought, and immediately go to the worst case scenario. And yeah, I know...if having to go to the park is my worst case scenario than how bad can life really be, right? But seriously. I have a lot of park trauma. My kid was a hitter and a biter. Enough said.

And I am going to be completely honest here so if you need more coffee or something before you continue reading, go for it. Because even I am not loving what I am about to say. But here it is. If God doesn't want me to go to the worst case scenario, then why does the worst case scenario seem to always happen?

Process that poor attitude and lack of faith for a moment.

I hate this for a few reasons:

1. I know that the WORST I am in right now is so NOT the worst. And I hate when I KNOW better but give my own self pushback. I fight with my own thoughts. Does this make sense? Have you ever done this? Because it is kind of unproductive and annoying.

2. I feel like God should give me special attention and a free pass on suffering because I do so much for Him. (wow. yeah. can you believe I said that?) This, too, I hate. Because I KNOW. I know better. I know that my absolute best doesn't even compare to God. I know that there is nothing I can do, ever, that will earn me a single thing from God. I also know that there is no need to earn anything and that if I am not doing what I do for HIS glory and His glory alone well, then we have a problem. And I also know who hangs on the cross, and well....in case you are wondering, it is not me. I would be the one holding the hammer and nails.

3. When I allow the devil's schemes and attacks to take hold of me so fast and easily, I am shocked by my lack of faith. And I wonder...am I just a hypocrite? Do I really believe? Or is this just one big sham? And then I beat myself up for being such a wishy washy weakling, which leads me to hating everything, like my hair, and my chipped nail polish, and the pregnant stomach that we all know is not pregnant, and the garbage in my mini van, and the laundry that has yet to be put away, and "the calling" God has for me that still has me saying daily, "WHAT IS MY CALLING ANYWAY?"

Yes, my friends.

This is called PILING ON.

I am really good at spotting this and calling it out in other people. Especially in my husband. And he really loves that. He's so lucky to have me. How else would he recognize all those faults?

And we do this, too.

We get hit by something or everything.

We look to the future and how it is going to stink.

And then we see all the things that bother us and annoy us until we finally push God away, all while declaring ourselves an atheist and then we open a bottle of wine and drink until we are too tired to stay awake.

(to be accurate, I announced yesterday that I was planning on becoming not just an atheist, but an atheist alcoholic. To my fourteen year old. I am pretty sure I have a bright future in youth ministry.)

I can just be so stubborn.

And God knows this about me.

So you know what He did this morning?

He sent me deer.

Four of them.

Right to the window by my desk.

When my husband and I started dating we would drive up and down the Saw Mill River Parkway and look at the dead deer on the side of the road and we said, "This is the symbol of our love. Dead deer."

Ok so truthfully?....as I started to write this I totally forgot that the deer were DEAD!! Now I am not sure where I am going with this.

But the thing is, the deer out my window?

They were alive. And they were beautiful. And they reminded me of twenty two years ago. The hope and the joy and the lightness of life as I fell in love and we had nothing but an open road ahead of us. And all the things, people. All the things that have happened in these years. All the worst case scenarios that God took and turned into beauty. All the piling on that in the end, God showed me didn't matter at all. How no amount of trouble and trial can stop four deer from grazing outside my window which sure sounds stupid, and even when I pointed them out to my husband he said, "how about you eat the stinking weeds" and so I lovingly pointed out that he was stealing my joy....but I digress...

no mater how you might feel about the deer, for me, in that moment, they were like a whisper from God...straight to my head and down into my heart..."I am still here. Despite all the things. I am right here. There is still joy."

And I am just awaked, over and over again...to how it all works.

Sometimes I am going to feel like a spiritual rock star that satan can't touch.

And sometimes I am going to allow my stubborn heart to get the best of me and declare myself an atheist alcoholic, which satan delights in.

And always when I finally bring it all to Him and just drop it and myself down...like my kids did at the park after an hour long tantrum over not getting the blue shovel they wanted...that kind of exhausted surrender...the kind that ends in giving up and falling asleep...a seed of hope bursts through the dirt and the mess and a new eagerness is born.

When this tiny ray of light shines, I know to grab hold of it fast.

Because I woke up SO NOT EAGER for anything.

This new eagerness did not come from me.

And so I made my list of good things to do today.

And I prayed for those who understand because they too are in, or have been, in similar circumstances.

And I turned to my * Fearless and Free study guide and read all the "I declares."

Over and over and over again.

And when I looked up, I saw the deer.

I heard the whisper.

And I sat down to write.

*Lisa Brenninkmeyer will be on Walking With Purpose FB Live this morning at 10am EST talking about her latest study Fearless and Free. So if you are wondering what I mean about the "I declares", tune in....