dancing prayers

Summer prayer time looks different, and we just need to accept that.

Or at least, I do.

And I do.

I am sleeping in. Until 7:30 am. Which may not sound late to a teenager, but to me...who used to set the alarm for 4:45 AM but woke naturally at 4:30 AM...it is very late.

For a while I feared I was letting the enemy gain a foothold. Until it dawned me. I am FLIPPING EXHAUSTED.

I also feared that I was slacking. That this new routine would be a slippery slope. That come September, I would not be praying at all. I wake up and my husband has already read his Bible for two hours, cross referenced the Catechism and done a little spiritual reading to cap it all off. This is not a joke. This is for real.

I often open my still weary eyes and see him in the corner and feel like he has taken my prayer life. It is silly. I am grateful to be married to a man of deep faith. But there is a feeling of personal loss and grief that creeps into my heart before my feet have hit the floor. Between leaving a job and now sleeping in it is hard to remember who I am some mornings. What my purpose is. Without my up at the crack of dawn to be with Jesus desire...replaced by my can someone bring me my coffee while I stay in bed a little while longer attitude...I fear I am losing my faith.

But the truth?

This is all prayer.

In fact, I am praying more.

In Laura Story's book When God Doesn't Fix It, she talks about while in the deep trenches of caring for a husband with severe brain trauma, she could not get to church. She could not dive into Scripture for hours. She could not pray for more than a one liner thrown out into the air. She could not go on a mission trip. Then she realizes..."I AM A MISSION TRIP."

It is a myth that to be connected to God you need to read your Bible for hours and go to church daily. Does knowledge of Scripture help? Of course. Is the Eucharist necessary? Absolutely. But if all you can do today is sleep in a little longer so that you have the energy to minister to the life that is currently being thrown at you, then you my friend, are unknowingly putting on your armor. You are a dancing prayer. You are a living monstrance. You are a mission trip, God's tangible love.

I just finished listening to Wes Moore in an interview on Kate Bowler's podcast Everything Happens. He describes all of life's hardships as one more piece of armor being placed on him until finally he becomes iron man. He said he no longer flinches at anything.

I still flinch.

But not nearly as much.

And Wes's words reminded me of psalm 144; Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for battle...my fingers for war. I had said I was going to memorize that entire psalm this summer...and well...I have not gotten any farther than the first two verses. But that is ok. I rest with these and in these. These are the ones I need to remember.

And the plan this morning after my quiet time with the Lord was to sit down and figure out what I am going to speak about at my Book Launch Event this Tuesday night. I feel wholly unprepared. And unqualified. To speak about my own book. Can you say....get behind me, Satan? I woke and thought, how do I speak to women about winning the battle when I am pretty sure I have lost my own? And so God told me in that very moment, as I stared at my face in the mirror (...a face I barely recognized and did not like...until I suddenly saw my own father...his eyes and his mouth, on my own face...and I recalled who I was...) sit down and write. Because He knows that the only way I am able to see how He is working in my life, is by reminding other women that He is working in theirs.

And He was right. Again. Weird how my Creator is always right.

So I better go do that. Plan my talk. Just felt the need to pop into this space and let you all know that whatever your life looks like today to remember that effective prayer - really effective prayer --may not feel like prayer or look like prayer --- and as far as I can tell, the strongest armor is not one we easily and joyfully put on ourselves - but rather, it is God who dresses us for battle. After sleeping in and grabbing our coffee --- He comes to us and assures us that every bit of what we are currently enduring and wishing would just go away, is our training...our preparation....He is our protection, our mighty shield.

This is our training. That thing you woke up to and cried about because you were hoping it would have been removed by now. It is one more piece of your armor.

There will always be something else to flinch about, right? Life is a series of what is coming next. But it is also a series of the right now, and what is the Lord asking of me in this precise moment? I try to remember this when my mind shoots too far ahead. I try to praise Him, regardless of my circumstance. I pray to keep dancing because I know that is beautiful and pleasing to Him.

Blessed be the Lord and this day...because whether we know it or not...we will go to bed tonight stronger. We will wake up tomorrow and press on. We will look at our reflections in the mirror and see who we are; God's daughters in training. Mission trips and monstrances. Dancing prayers.