willingly suffering, holy ambition, and why we love ourselves more than we love others.
I know. It has been quiet in this space. Summer is like that here at the Phelps house. Not quiet. But BUSY. Basically? I am a human Uber. I wake up and drive my flock all over the planet until I finally drive back home, read two lines of a book and pass out. And the result? No actual writing. I mean, I do write. IN MY MIND. But the act of sitting and typing has been difficult. It's just the season. This too, shall pass. At least that is what I promise myself to keep me from falling into the pit of lies that I am a slacker, and this present road of an all consuming trial will never end, or even worse, I have nothing good to say.
The devil does not go on summer vacation.
So why the sudden pop back in? I read these two words this morning: holy ambition. And I woke up.
I am consecrating myself to Mary again which I DID NOT WANT TO DO. Every time I do this, something majorly awful seems to happen. I write about this in the very first chapter of Victorious Secret. But on July 20th the idea popped into my head as I was going through a stack of prayer books...that little, "maybe this would be a good time to re-consecrate myself." And so I checked when the next date to begin consecration would be, hoping it would be in a few weeks or possibly, I don't know, never. And of course? The next opportunity was on JULY 20th. UGH. I hate when God does that.
I hid the book under more books and walked away. Why? Because I am already dealing with something super stressful and draining and the thought of making it worse just seemed like a really stupid idea. But as I got into bed that night and checked my Instagram instead of saying my night time prayers, because I am a good Catholic like that, someone....no idea who she is...had no idea I even followed this evil woman...shared a video of herself inviting us to join her in a consecration to Mary. Seriously, Lord?
People, these are nudges and signs you can not ignore.
So yes. Here I am. On Day 6. Take that, Satan.
Now back to holy ambition.
I believe in holiness. I believe we can all aim to be holy. And I also believe that I stink at it. I mean, when push comes to shove, holiness does not come easily to me. Why? I just love myself so much more than I am able to love others. And I don't mean love myself as in...I think I am awesome, and beautiful and better than every one else. In fact, that is SO NOT how I feel. Trust me. You are prettier and way more awesome than me. But what I am talking about is self - love. The desire to put myself before others. The desire for everyone (and really, by everyone, I mean my husband mostly) to understand where I am coming from. For him (yes, my dear husband) to joyfully (or at least silently yet lovingly) accept my bad moods and temper tantrums and grieving process and unspeakable sorrow just because I am me. I am talking about the need to have my ideas heard and my point of view accepted no matter what you might be going through because what I am feeling is so obviously deeper and more important that what you are feeling because I have all of this on my plate...which is a little bit more than what you have on your plate. Self - love means we compare those plates. Rather than asking, how can I help you carry your plate.
We compare and take out our measuring sticks and pull out those scales and need to reinforce what our point is and how stressed out we are because we have placed all of the focus on ourselves. Not even on the situation or circumstance that is causing the chaos. And definitely not on our significant other. But totally and completely on our self.
I shared this idea with my husband last night. We can be side by side through the same exact trial, but are we running the course together? Or are we so focused on the finish line, God willing there is one, that we are simply racing side by side....failing to stop and wait up for our partner if he or she is lagging behind. Do we take time to pause and hold each other and look out into the great unknown, certainly scared, but still confident because we have one another, still confident because really, no matter what we do by our own strength, it is all in His hands? Still confident, because despite the suffering, heaven is to be won.
Does any of that rant make sense? I hope so because basketball camp starts soon and so there is no time to edit or craft sentences into ones that might make sense.
And in today's chapter in the consecration, Saint Faustina is quoted about a vision she had of heaven.
"She related that if we were to see the differences among the degrees of glory in heaven, we would willingly suffer anything on earth just to move one degree higher."
Willingly suffer. Two words that really ought to never be put together and yet, totally should.
So here is the deal and the reason I got up off of my couch.
I am suffering. Right now. As I type. While drinking my coffee, and praise be to God for coffee.
And something tells me...you are suffering, too.
I also believe in heaven. And I also want to go to heaven. And something tells me, you do, too.
But I happen to be struggling greatly - mainly in my closest relationships - in being loving and selfless in the midst of this great suffering. And maybe...you are, too.
Why is it we want to choke the life out of the ones we love most when hit by a raging storm? Why is it we lash out at our dearest and want to put fluffy white pillows over their faces while they sleep or not even think to re-fill their coffee cup or put our arm around their shoulders when they appear cold?
Why? Because when we are in pain or lonely or sick or confused or grieving or weary to the point of collapsing or even worse, to the point where the urge to run away and never return starts to frighten us....taking the focus off of SELF...how this makes ME feel...is super hard.
Being generous towards others and putting self aside is tough because if we want to get real here, we fear that at the end of the day, we will have nothing, will have been given nothing, and might possibly be forgotten. St. Louis de Monfort says, "these kinds of concerns come from self-love. So yes, we should aim high. Yes, we should have holy ambition and want to reach the highest of heights of holiness."
Does any of that ring true at all with you? The self- love? The concerns? The pillow over your loved ones face?
If so...run to Mary. Well, first, hide the pillows. Then, run to Mary. In my case? She totally ran to me. I'm telling ya...she basically took my hand and lead me to this consecration. And I am so glad. Because at least for an hour...she pulled me out of myself and pointed me back to the prize at the end of this grueling race : JESUS CHRIST. BEING WITH HIM IN HEAVEN.
Holiness is not easy, but it is possible, and frankly, it is so misunderstood. I talk about being holy in the final chapter of Victorious Secret. And before I throw on my Uber hat I thought I would pass on to you the things this week that have sparked the desire to focus less on me and more on Him and not just on Him, but on others...some favorite people, writings, Scripture...just some ideas for you to stay close to the vine, to think differently, to willingly choose to suffer, and to ignite a fire of holy ambition. I share this because good grief, I can not be holy on my own and well, my guess is...neither can you.
So, can we aim for this together? Can we run this race not side by side but together, and put away our scales and hold each others plates when they are too full? Can we stop saying "I" and think more about the "you" and aim to go just one degree higher? Because heaven is at stake. And holy moly, people...we really ought to want heaven more than the badge of having the world's most full plate.
Holy ambition. Let's aim for it.
Scripture that rocks:
(and I am not linking for you, so get your Bible out and look them up)
Philippians 2:3 (this is GOOD. And super difficult.)
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 ( I know...we all know it...but do we really all know it)
2 Timothy 3: 1-5 (my favorite! It is a SERIOUS slap in the face)
People I love to listen to, other than myself:
Kate Bowler podcast (a MUST listen...especially her interview with Wes Moore)
Emily Wilson (You have young girls? Know young girls? Consider yourself a young girl? Check her out. Her IG LIVES are the best and her book Go Bravely looks amazing)
The Gathering Place podcast (those Blessed Is She gals really speak to me)
Books I have read or am slowly reading because of all of that driving:
Everything Happens for a Reason - Kate Bowler. (BUY THIS BOOK NOW)
The Other Wes Moore - by Wes Moore (I read one line a night, Lord help me, but the first paragraph grabbed my heart like crazy. Quite a story)
33 Days to Morning Glory - by Michael E Gaitley
When God Doesn't Fix it - by Laura Story
and of course, I have to include shameless promotion:
