summer 2018: the mini van, the co-pay, and the shark that ate my helicopter...over and over again.

How does one blog about an entire summer in one lousy post?

I received an email from a sweet friend who asked that I re-sign her up to get my blogs because she is no longer receiving them. Broke the news to her this morning...there has been nothing to receive.

Summer took on a whole life of it's own. A new routine, like it or not. Different flow. Sometimes that flow was free and relaxing, but most days that flow hit a dam, blocked up, spilled over, and threatened to drown my entire family.

Speaking of drowning...I had a dream last week that I have not been able to get out of my head, and in my mind I have written an entire weekend retreat based on this single nightmare I can not shake and still find so intriguing. You see, I believe God speaks to me while I sleep...mainly because it is the only time the poor guy gets a word in....I tend to talk too much and fail to listen when wide awake.

I was swimming.

Swimming out into a giant wave that was threatening to cover my home.

There was no shore in sight...it was endless ocean...and I kept paddling...one arm first, then the other, up and over my head, down into the water, pushing on through....over and over again...never taking my eye off of the enormous wave that I could not yet see but I knew was approaching. Swimming out into the unknown...desperately trying to control the uncontrollable.

I never made it to the wave, and I never made it to the shore, and I never knew what happened, because I woke up. Later that day, while waiting in my mini van because apparently, that is what I was called to do this summer...wait in my mini van....well, that, and hand someone my insurance card...or be asked for a co-payment....couldn't tell you where my bathing suit is and never saw the beach like I promised myself and children we would...but if you need my insurance card, I have that on hand.

Sorry....that was a side tangent. I am back.

So...while waiting in my mini van, I recalled the dream, and googled "the safest place to ride out a wave." Because that is what, long after the nightmare had ended, played and weighed on my mind. That enormous wave that I knew was out there, determined to ruin my home and everyone in it. What do I do when I reach it? Where do I go to be safe? How do I protect my loves one from it? Is there a specific spot, better than others, to hide...to ride it out? Is it even possible to stop it? What are my chances of riding it out and finally landing safely on shore? A shore that is nothing but all that milk and honey that we each have been promised.

Much to my surprise, after reading about surfing the waves, I discovered that... the wave? The actual wave? That is not what is to be feared. The wave is not our enemy. The wave is not the hard part. In fact, finding the ideal spot and standing up on your surf board...that is the easy part! So, what is the hardest part of riding out an enormous wave?

The paddling out to it.

I have written about this before...endurance...perseverance...how necessary this is to survive the trials of life. To survive a single day. Heck. To get through the next hour. Because the paddling? This is what makes us grow weary. The constant, seemingly endless, no shore in sight, paddling. It burns our shoulders, and hurts our arms, and stirs up doubt and has us question this faith of ours, and if you have been paddling for what feels like freaking forever...you can even start to blame yourself for the days you simply want to give up. You must be too weak. God chose the wrong the person for this journey.

Have you ever had an endless trial? Have you ever grown so tired of the waves that constantly threaten to crash over you that dropping your arms, going limp, and allowing yourself to sink to the bottom of the ocean starts to look like your only option? And not just your only option...but your best option?

In short. Do you feel like giving up?

Have you given up?

If so, let me propose this simple idea to you. It is a visual...and I share it because it works. I share it, because I have been paddling for years...and every time I think I see the shore...every time I think someone is there with my rescue...another wave emerges. In fact, this has happened to my family so much that I describe it as "the helicopter rescue in JAWS 2." Okay, so another side tangent...but JAWS 2 is one of my favorite movies ever. My husband makes fun of me. Because JAWS is a classic. But I disagree. I prefer JAWS 2. Anyway...if you have seen it...and you have, because you do not live under a rock...the poor teenagers have been tormented and traumatized --- a few eaten --by the shark. Their boats are destroyed and they are sitting and floating in the middle of the ocean on pieces of broken sails and turned over boats. In short, they are screwed. But then...they see it...the helicopter!!! Finally, a rescue!!! Help is in sight! So they get up and they start cheering! And crying! And high-fiving and hugging! They can finally see the end to their nightmare! Hope has replaced fear! The help they had prayed for has at long last arrived! Thank you, Jesus.

And then the shark jumps out of the water and eats the man in the helicopter.

I mean, come on. So good. But so bad. And so my story, and maybe yours too.

I am telling you...that shark ate my helicopter over and over again this summer.

My shark is well fed.

But back to the point.

The visual to help you keep up your endurance.

That shark? That next wave? This is not our obstacle. This is what makes us stronger. This is when God takes out another piece of armor, and He Himself, LOVINGLY places it on us.

This is not what takes us down, this is what further protects us.

And so when the shark comes, or the waves threaten, I close my eyes...and I literally imagine Jesus covering me in one more piece of spiritual armor. It is a gift that I have earned. Not a punishment for failing. It is not a road block...it is another piece of the map.

Surprisingly...or not..because I mean, God...He is not one of coincidence...the Priest preached this Sunday about our living for the NOW...and not for heaven. Yes, we ought to aim to get to heaven...yes, we must hold onto eternal values and remember that this is not our everlasting home..however...we must not miss the NOW for the sake of gaining heaven. And sweet friends, I will be brutally honest. This summer? The summer of the mini van and co-pay and helicopter eating shark? I have only longed for heaven. I have wished away the NOW, I have despised the NOW, I have often lost hope in the NOW...and I have actually whispered more than once, "I am just so glad this is not my home...I can not wait for heaven."

And now I am trying to figure out how I wrap this all up nice and neat and get to 9am Mass on time, and I do not think that I possibly can. But I will say this...I just re-consecrated myself to Mary...yesterday was the big day, on the Feast Day of her Queenship...and this go around (it is my fourth consecration) I was particularly drawn to the image of Mary leading me to the wounded side of Jesus...the one that which pours out the blood and water...an ocean of mercy...healing waters that refresh and renew ...a wound big enough for me to hide in...a wound that speaks and says, "I see your suffering, too...." It is an ocean that does not threaten or drown me. It is an ocean that does not desire to destroy or kill. It is an ocean that does not look to tire and exhaust me. It is an ocean that covers me in peace and allows me to rest. Not because the storm is over, but because He has provided a resting place while it rages on.

And so today, I keep paddling.

Eyes no longer focused on the wave, but face down, in this ocean of mercy...staring straight at the NOW...praising God for the fish and the coral and the countless beauty that is right here in the midst of it all...the beauty I fail to see and thank Him for because I am too busy worrying about what's coming next. There is so much we do not see, so much we may never see. But if I close my eyes I can imagine it all. The armor. The grace. The underwater army of angels and saints who never tire of cheering me on...protecting me from harm...covering me and loving me...one piece of armor at a time.