It's OK To Start With You: Prioritizing Mental Health.

My latest holy discontent?

The mental health crisis, and the poor response to it.

I say this as a person who has been directly affected.

I say this as a mother who has been slammed by more obstacles than actual help.

I say this as a woman who believes that your faith and mental state are entwined.

So when Author and Psychotherapist, Julia Marie Hogan, invited me to share about her book It's OK To Start With You, and then offered I could write a reflection on the chapter titled, Prioritizing Mental Health, needless to say, I jumped at the opportunity.

Why?

Because I don't think people really know what self-care is.

Because I know that too many women consider self care as selfish.

And because just about everyone I know is suffering from mental illness, or caring for a loved one with a mental illness.

Because personally?

I am exhausted from becoming an expert on ZERO self -care and wearing my badge of "never stops to relax" like it means something good. Like it means I am good.

Recently, I was in need of finding one of my children a psychiatrist fast. As in yesterday kind of fast. There was a crisis and we needed help. And here is the thing. I knew at least five friends off of the top of my head that could be of assistance. FIVE. I personally knew at least five women who were dealing with a child with severe anxiety, depression, a mood or eating disorder, or some sort of mental illness born out of a significant trauma, or worse...born out of nothing one could actually identify. Five women, whose most precious ones, for whatever reason, were suffering from a sick brain. Five women, who had traveled into this dark valley before me, who were still there. Five exhausted women who were so busy caring for others, they knew not how to care for themselves.

The ironic thing about being a care giver for someone with a mental illness? You start to lose your own mind.

Since the shooting at our elementary school, mental health became the new mission, the latest cause to fight for, and rightfully so. As the Newtown community learned the unimaginable way, and as Ms. Hogan writes, "ignoring the problem instead of tackling it head-on" is not the answer. The problem will "...eventually catch up with you. Like ignoring a broken bone, ignoring mental health can result in terrible consequences over the long term."

I know about terrible consequences.

But here is the thing.

Ms. Hogan's book is not asking us to tackle every mental health problem. It is way too broad of a topic. But what she does for us is something so simple, so practical, we would be foolish not to follow her advice. Because what she lays out for us is absolutely something we can do. And not only what we can do, but what we need to do, in order to live the life that Jesus so desperately desires for us: a life that is whole and free.

And we all want that, don't we? To live whole, free lives? Yes! Yes we do! So where to start? Everyone is so stressed and each day is its own evil and the daily battle is endless. How on earth do we continue to care for others and allow the time to care for ourselves? Is there even the time? This is what Ms Hogan says, and what I am now trying to incorporate into my everyday...and she is kind of a rock star when it comes to this topic, so ya know, be sure to listen.

1. Identify you inner critic's voice.

What does this mean? This means that when I wake up and immediately think, "Ugh. I hate my life", something bigger and deeper is going on here. This means that when I get turned down for a project, and I say to myself, "You see? No one cares about what you have to say...quit while you are ahead", that I am allowing my inner critic to frame the way I think about myself and my worth. And guess what is true about our inner critic? It is a LIAR.

What does your inner critic say?

2. Reframe Our Thoughts

So, what do we need to do with this annoying voice in our heads? Ms. Hogan encourages us to reframe it. Basically? Replace the lie with the truth. This chapter encouraged me to get back to journaling before I sat down in prayer; to identify the inner critic, and then fight back with truth. Is my life really awful??? Heck no! I have air in my lungs, and a God who adores me and really furry slippers. My family is safe, we have a beautiful home and there is hot coffee in my hand, and our basic needs are met....and the list can go on and on. Training ourselves to focus on the good God has given us and the truth of who we are is the best way to silence this voice that desires to keep us apart from Christ; that desires we sit in the lie. And when I pray with Scripture after my journaling? That's like a second kick in the critic's teeth!

How can you reframe your thoughts?

3. Be Mindful Of Social Media

I am so glad the Author addresses this, because ladies, it is important. Social media is fun. I happen to love Instagram. I desire to see beauty, and God desires to create it for us to enjoy. We were made for beauty. And so scrolling through countless images of perfectly decorated houses, or perfectly baked pies, or perfectly dressed children on a perfectly sunny day....I enjoy this. I really do. UNLESS...I am having a crappy day. And I feel fat. And my hair looks stupid. And my bank account is empty. And the kids are in crisis. And I bagged the whole "reframe your thoughts" thing and decided instead to have a few drinks and eat an entire bag of chips with my inner critic. Then, that perfect picture you posted? I want to throw darts at it.

Good grief, I know I sound crazy, but I also know....I am not alone. It's the ol' Genesis 3:6, is it not? "When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was delight to the eyes....she took the fruit and ate it." What happened to Eve? She SAW the fruit...and then...her mind went wild...and ladies, are we not exactly the same? We see....we compare...and we invite the inner critic in. "This is why it's important to be mindful of your social media use. Before logging on, ask yourself why you are using it." Such great advice from the Author! So simple, and yet it makes too much sense. Seriously, ask yourself this question before you start that mindless scrolling. We need to set boundaries all in the name of protecting what we look at. Because what we see always effects how we think and feel. So truly ask yourself how and why you use it. "Think of it as a tool to help nurture your friendships and stay connected. If all it does is fuel those feelings of not being good enough, it's time to reassess."

To combat feelings of jealousy, envy and all around worthlessness, every week I do a social media clean up. I "unfollow" those accounts that turn me into a psychotic nut. I "de-friend"people who tend to post things that are always negative, angry, or highly political. I put up boundaries and I protect my "feed" because as that old creepy Christian song reminds us, "be careful little eyes what you see".

When you check Instagram or Facebook, do you feel grateful, peaceful, and content? Does it fuel your creativity? Or...do you throw your phone at the nearest person's head while sobbing uncontrollably and scarfing down a lemon iced poundcake? Does is drain you and make you feel less-than?

4.The Importance Of Leisure

Okay, so the word leisure? I hate it. First, I think of the 1970's leisure suit. Second, I have always associated it with being lazy. Can you say...martyr??? Can you say holier than thou? I am only able to admit this because I know for a fact that many women feel the same exact way. The good Christian folk? We need to be constantly serving, right? And not serving ourselves, for good heavens! But others!!! We need to be the PTA mom, and make everything from scratch, and braid our kids hair, and keep our house clean, and be joyful and funny, and not just make dinner but make liturgical feasts for our family. We need to be fun and lighthearted but also serious and hard working, and walk the dog and water the plants and volunteer for a million things and keep busy all day long and never sit down EVER because well, isn't that the biggest waste of time? I mean...SIT??? Who sits???????

Oh sweet friends. What is wrong with us?

You know who sits? Healthy people. Smart women. Ladies who know their worth and protect it. Why do we think there is a Sabbath???

Ms. Hogan gives us a really good thing to think about. "If we think our value lies in how busy we are, then taking time for leisure feels like a waste." Is this you? Because it is me. For whatever reason I learned that the more you do the better you are. The more I produce the greater my value. When the truth is, the more you do, the more exhausted you are. The more bitter you are. The more hungry you are. The more resentful you are. We are more stressed and more anxious than ever, are we not?? If we do not take the time to do something we enjoy...something that relaxes us and helps us deal with the stress of everyday life...we can actually become physically ill.

Ms Hogan describes leisure as "doing something that brings you joy and fulfillment for its own sake....leisure does not mean mindlessly surfing the internet, scrolling through social media, or flipping through channels on TV. Leisure is a much richer concept." And this is important for all you Netflix bingers. Leisure means doing that thing you love to do intentionally and purposefully...using your gifts and your talents and your senses and all the good feels God gave you...to simply live in the present moment, and give your heart and mind and body a chance to recharge. It is an engaged relaxation. It reaches deep into our souls, fills us and fuels us. It makes us feel alive. Is this not what we most desire for our loved ones? Why is it so difficult to give this gift to ourselves?

Ms. Hogan writes, "When you recognize that you're worth taking care of, your priorities shift and become clearer. Nourishing your own well-being frees you to be your best self for others in the specific way that God has called you to..." Did you catch those three words hidden in there? Because I think this right here is the answer and key...

worth taking care of.

ok. S that is actually four words.

But you get the point.

YOU.

Worth it.

Do you believe that? That you are worth taking care of?

This really resonated with me. Especially this past weekend while in Confession. After dumping my heart and soul the Priest looked at me and you want to know what he said? He told me, "You look really tired. I think you need balance. Re-check your priorities." And this took me back for a moment because as a good Catholic woman, I thought my priorities were straight! God first, everyone else, the pets, the plants, and the the house...and then...maybe...if there is time...me.

(Ok, so the plants part? That is a lie. If my husband is reading this he is all like, "What!?" I never water the plants. The plants are all dead.)

So I made a few doctors appointments for myself- not the children, had coffee with a friend, made taking a daily walk as big a priority as going to the bathroom simply because I enjoy it (the walking, not the bathroom) and my husband and I have agreed to start dating again...don't worry, we are dating each other...every week....time to connect, look up from our screens into the other's eyes...talk about our dreams. Leisure couple time, like back in the old days.

What can you do to add balanced leisure to your life?

Self-care, when rooted in knowing your worth in relationship to Jesus Christ, is not selfish. "It's a disciplined way of life that lays the groundwork for everything else..." Whether you are like me, dealing with the big time issues of mental health...or like the countless many, who are craving a better way to handle the daily stress but don't know where to begin...might I suggest, you start with this book. Ms. Hogan gives us everything we need to create a balanced self-care plan that if faithfully followed, has the ability to transform our lives. I know at least five women who can use this book yesterday.....and I will bet you do, too.

It is time we prioritize our mental health and place our value in whose we are and not what we do. It really is OK to start with you, you know.

Why not start now?

To purchase It's OK To Start With You go to here!

For more of the Self-Care blog tour, come on over here!

Want to check out Julia on Facebook? Of course you do!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/juliahoganlpc/

And my ALL TIME FAVORITE...!!! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/juliahoganlcpc/ Now, what better way to celebrate Self-Care month than with a contest! Want a chance to win a copy of Julia's book, It's Ok to Start with You? Yes! Yes you most certainly do! To enter, visit her Instagram blog tour post and comment with the new self-care practice you will try. Contest ends Friday, September 14th, 2018 and the winner will be chosen at random on Monday, September 17th, 2018.