The "If Only I Had This, Life Would Be Perfect" Battle...and some thoughts on discourageme

What helps me in my seasons of waiting it out in the pain is to recall the past seasons. I remember all of the past circumstances that felt unending while going through them, but how they did, in fact, end. It helps to recall the times I grasped at the temporary fix, the quick purchase, the instant latest thing, the toxic relationship, the beauty procedure to numb the bad feelings, even if only for a moment.....

.....The instant? The quick? The magic? When I choose these, I learn nothing besides regret. Nothing changes. I am still me, untransformed. I am still me, unsatisfied. I am still me, unfulfilled.....

But when I choose to wait it out? To sit still? To listen for God's voice? To feel? To allow his loving hand to rest upon my exposed wounds? When I make the hard choice, lessons are learned. Everything changes. I am no longer unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

Now I can look at life with an eternal perspective. I can ask myself, What does this mean for my eternity? rather than How can I satisfy myself in this present moment? When I do this, my heart of stone becomes fleshy and alive. What is born out of the pain is a beauty beyond anything I had ever imagined. What blossoms out of the trial is compassion and love for others who are also struggling to find purpose and meaning in their lives. You see, if we allow God to show up and do his thing, if we choose Christ alone and quit trying to control and piece together a life that looks good, everything might not be great, but everything will be grace.....

...excerpt from Victorious Secret: Everyday Battles And How To Win Them, ch 7, The "If I Only Had This, Life Would Be Perfect" Battle

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This might sound crazy, but this morning, I needed to read my own words.

Because here is the deal with running your race.

You fall.

And by you, I mean me.

But probably you, too.

I have just been so discouraged.

Discouraged with all the waiting...

for kids to come around and see the light,

loved ones to be healed,

minds to think clearly,

eyes that truly see,

for the good diagnosis to actually provide some peace,

For the bills to just stop,

For the dog to stop chasing the cat,

For it all to make sense,

For heaven.

Does that sound morbid?

That I just want heaven?

Truthfully, it is not morbid...what it is, is a chicken move...a total cop out.

It is me saying, Forget the cross carrying and just take me to the end, Lord! No pain, all gain!

Which by the way, is so NOT what Jesus ever said in case you are looking that verse up in your Bible...so ya know...Lord have mercy on me.

But peace doesn't come from any of this, does it?

Because once we get that thing we have been reaching for...there is going to be something else to reach for.

Always.

It is an endless cycle of This is it! This will cure me. This will remove the heaviness that I am carrying and can not even explain! Woo hoo! I found the recipe for happiness on earth!

But I read this morning...was divinely reminded...that discouragement does not come from the Lord.

Hmmmm.

Looks like I am not spending enough time in His presence. Note to self.

So I will put that on my to-do list today.

Because deep down I know...if I can just dig beneath the lead ball of lies that wants me and my hope and certainly my evangelizing to reach the bottom of the ocean...if I can just do that... I KNOW that this waiting? This longing? This chunk of time that FEELS like NOTHING IS HAPPENING...that FEELS like there is zero progress...with His grace and by His strength, I can lose that lead ball and REMEMBER....that He IS working. I can remember that feelings are not TRUTH and that DOING does not mean something good is happening and that SITTING STILL is actually what our Captain on this battlefield COMMANDS.

I remind myself that in these moments that last forever - when my feelings want me discouraged and try to convince me that God has given up on this job - He is actually doing his GREATEST WORK.

Everything tastes better when you marinate it, right?

And the longer, the better.

I need to remember this.

God has not forgotten my plea...or yours...He is marinating it....He is going to serve me and you up something so much better. He might not win on CHOPPED...because his best work is not done quickly.

But God doesn't cook with an instant pot.

He loves us too much for that.

And this remembering?

It is everything, really.

It gives me the strength to pick up my cross...again...and again...and again....

and follow him.

Follow Him when the lead ball tries to weigh me down.

Follow Him when I want a fast food version of life and he is working on a 12 course meal.

Follow Him when my FEELINGS convince me of otherwise.

Follow Him while still waiting.