scattered and gathered and thrown in the air like confetti

Setting the coffee last night, feeling a bit weary and not too enthusiastic about the following day to come, I remembered that I had a long awaited hair appointment this afternoon...and my mood immediately lifted, I felt energized and joyful : at last, something to look forward to!

Then my heart sunk.

Just moments before setting the coffee, I had worked my way through my Bible Study lesson on prayer.

"Whether or not we feel like praying should not determine whether we pray. We shouldn't pray to get something from God; we should pray simply in order to be with Him. Our willingness (or unwillingness) to "waste" time with Him says a lot about how much we love Him." -Lisa Brenninkmeyer, Walking With Purpose, Opening Your Heart, Lesson 4, p. 43

Yikes. Ouch.

Could it be...I love getting my haircut more than I love my time with God?

Because the reason I set the coffee in the first place is because every morning I choose to get up early to pray. I choose to be with Him. So... why am I not excited about this the night before? Why doesn't the mere thought of time with my Lord lift my mood, energize me? Why is HE not my something to look forward to? If you told me that when I wake up, Chip and Joanna Gaines would be in my living room, I would be SO excited! Embarrassed that the dog has peed on every single corner of the couch, but still...excited!! So, it just had me thinking...is Jesus enough for me? If there is no haircut, and no Chip and JoJo...is the day still good because Jesus will be in it?

One of the questions in my Opening Your Heart Bible Study last night was this:

What obstacles most often keep you from praying?

And honestly? I had a difficult time coming up with the answer.

Because it is not a lack of love for the Lord that gets in my way. I do love Him. Not as much as my haircut apparently, but still...I love Him.

And it is not that I am too busy. Because even busy, I know to make the time.

And although what I wanted to write was my mind wanders...that didn't feel like enough.

The word wanders. It wasn't fully accurate.

Nor was distractions.

So I scribbled down anxiety, restlessness, trouble focusing.

And left it at that.

This morning, with coffee, at the crack of dawn, I was unexpectedly greeted by Chip and JoJo in the living room...with a brand new couch and the dog in a diaper.

Kidding of course.

But I was unexpectedly smacked by a single word in the Gospel (Luke 11:15-26) and I began to cry. Like..really cry. The kind of cry that if I were to re-tell you the story in person, I would cry again.

The word?

SCATTERS.

"Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters."

Bishop Barron writes today that "the denomic power is always scattering." That it "breaks up communion."

Scattered was the word I was searching my heart for last night.

When my husband came in to get himself coffee I blurted out, "I am being attacked by demons!"

What? You don't greet your husband in the morning like that?

And this frightened me for a few minutes, and then I remembered... my armor.

If it is communion the enemy does not want me to have, then it is communion I will fight harder for.

Un-showered, and with my sweater on inside out, I headed out the door to go to Mass - an hour early. I forgot my phone....which had me almost go back...and I forgot money for my daughter...which almost had me go back...and did I mention that beneath my inside out sweater were my pjs?...and so I almost went back. And when I got to the church I realized it was Friday class mass, which means lots of parents who not only showered, but were not in their pjs and had their nice clothes on... right side out. And so I almost went back.

And I nearly did, ya know.

And on a day that I was not beaten over the head by the Holy Spirit, I just might have.

But you see...I don't like the feeling that goes with being scattered.

I desired the feeling of communion.

And these obstacles? I knew better...these were not a coincidence. These were a test.

And I remembered Jesus...and I remembered that I want to love Him and time with Him more than my hair....and I remembered the enemy...and the legion that quite frankly has been all over me these last weeks...throwing obstacles in my way...scattering my flock...doing all that it can do to keep me from concentrating on Christ. And so I went to Mass. I went to communion.I gathered with the better dressed, and I thanked the lady behind me for telling me my sweater was on inside out. I also let her know that if when I stood up she noticed that my pants were on inside out...to just let that one go. For all of our benefit.

I'm glad I found my word...and I am excited to spend this day concentrating on Jesus. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited for my haircut, because ya'll...it has not been cut since May. But most of all? I am grateful for communion. For the way that God sees my scattered pieces and picks them all up...the way He can take a life that has been thrown in the air like confetti, gather it all up, and turn it into the most beautiful thing you have ever seen.