sparks in the stubble, knives on my fingers, and hello 2012!

My phone crashed this week and I lost everything. Well...some things might be in the cloud. Whatever the heck that means. But the crazy part of this entire ordeal was that once I got my phone to work again (and by I, I mean my daughter, who will be getting a pair of Doc Martens as a thank you for navigating the whole apple customer support thing for hours) while recent things were lost, apparently, 2010-2012 is still alive and kicking on my phone.

People. I have gone back in time. And it has been quite the trip.

Yesterday my phone alerted me that it was "Share Day for Annie." I had to think about that one long and hard...because for a moment I thought, "Share day? In High School? That is weird. Then I remembered....it is 2010.

I also had the printer run out of ink at 8pm ... on a rainy night... with my husband on the West Coast....and what I was printing was my talk... to be given to a group of women... the very next morning.

And did I mention...what the heck is the cloud?? And why do we need a new operating system? I have no idea how to use this phone now, can not find a thing, and when I text...why is it in Japanese????? And where did all my apps go? And really?? I need to remember passwords??? Passwords that were set eight years ago??? I can't remember a persons name three seconds after they introduce themselves! Good grief. Can we please go back to the land line and answering machine? And while we are at it, how about the horse and buggy as well. Because the down to one car thing is starting to get old.

I think I need to be Amish.

Wednesday night, in a matter of five minutes, everything went mad, and I was asked to find things, do things, produce thing, fix thing, pick up things, and take care of things....and none of it was working. Including my hands.....

...because I went and did something that I never do...I splurged...on myself... and instead of feeding my family this month, I got a gel tip manicure for the event I was speaking at. I did not realize that for someone like me, getting gel tips is the equivalent of getting your thumbs cut off. Or, super glueing a set of knives to every one of your fingers. People. I can not do anything. Not text. Not pick up a piece of paper. Not open the mail. Not turn the pages of my talk. This blog post? I started eight hours ago. I CAN NOT TYPE. I am useless.

And I am blaming the devil for every bit of this.

And I am not joking when I say that.

Spiritual warfare is a thing, people, and whenever I am about to do something big for God, things go mad. But I am not talking about the obvious obstacles...the phone, the printer, the things easily seen. I am talking about the hidden things. The inner warfare. The battle in my mind. The war that breaks out inside of my head. When things started to fall apart, my immediate thought was, "why do I continue to speak? I am not good at it...I mean, the writers block and the anxiety are obviously signs...God telling me that this is not my thing and I have nothing worthwhile to say. And with Nick out of town, really...I need to just focus on being home...there is plenty to do...like clean the kitty litter...or organize the pantry....and anyway, figuring out rides for kids and asking people for help when I am out of town - it is just too much. This really must not be what God is calling me to do. I mean..speaking to women at a group called "Mastering Motherhood"???? I have not mastered motherhood! I have "Massacred Motherhood!" I am the worst mother!! Did these people even look at my history before they booked me??? I am not qualified for this! I should probably cancel all of my speaking engagements and work at TJ Maxx...or really dive into the Keto diet or something, ya know...or buy more essential oils..I love those oils and this would allow me more time to buy more oils..."

That was the voice in my head.

Hours before preaching to women about their true identity.

Hours before sharing my hard seasons and how necessary they are, and how good God is to use them to make me stronger.

Hours before meeting new women, sharing my faith, and speaking of hope.

Hours before encouraging the weary, speaking truth to the doubtful, praying with women who felt like friends - who moments ago, were strangers.

Do you see what the enemy does??? Do you see how sneaky his ways?

(And chapter 2 verse 1 in The Book Of Wisdom suddenly makes so much sense when it writes "thinking not aright". It is how the enemy takes a hold of us...he starts in our mind and works his way up to our eyes- waits until we are blind - it is terrifying, really)

Praise be to God for the time I have spent studying the truth - God's Word - because I was able to recognize the battle pretty early on. And I shut it down. I called friends who would pray for me as well as make me laugh. I turned away from the tempter, and I leaned in to God's voice. I got back on track and continued to do what I am confident, I have been called to do. I got a non fat shortbread latte.

Everyday circumstances can get the best of us. Small annoyances can quickly turn into unmovable mountains. But only if we let them. The phone that is stuck in 2012? Pretty annoying. But also a gift. I have spent a great deal of time looking at the photos and videos that, like an angel appearing, have taken me back in time, have brought the dead back to life. I have dug up memories and emotions that were sadly, long forgotten. It is amazing how a season of suffering can steal from you the good that once was. The good you once were and still are. Another tactic of the enemy, no doubt. To keep us stuck in the painful, hold us face down in the mud...this way, we lose perspective, right? If we are only able to stare at what we wish was not currently our life, then we have no memory of the time we had with a life we once loved. If we are only able to know the hardship of this world, we lose the ability to look to eternity with hope filled eyes.

Does this make any sense? Because it does to me. Because my personal suffering had lead me to believe that I was a horrible mother. That I dropped the ball big time. That everything I did and all the love that I gave has made no difference. Amazing how much the Lord has revealed to me in the last two days. I did not know how fierce the battle I have been in was and I am so grateful to have chosen the light over the dark. The hope over the despair. Because when I saw the old pictures and videos? God showed me quite the opposite. And just like that, it all flooded back. Just like that, I stepped on the head of the serpent and went about the work I have been entrusted with.

There are sparks in the stubble. We just have to keep our eyes open enough to see them. And when we are unable to see on our own, God breaks our phone.

And there is so much more I want to say...but honestly? Typing with these gel tips on my fingers is just about killing me.