a place of peace

Amazing how quickly we fall away, isn't it?

And to be honest...sometimes? Sometimes falling away from a good habit is not necessarily a bad thing. Especially in the way of a spiritual habit. Because if you are anything like me (although I was told yesterday in a work meeting that there is no one like me...and I am praying that THAT was a compliment) spiritual habits that were once full of zeal and fervor rapidly become routine and mechanical. The urgency is no longer to grow deeper in faith, but rather, to be sure you just get it done.

I really struggle with this. I have been wrestling with my prayer time, and wondering if it is fruitful, and is that quiet time with the Lord really focused and deep, or am I disguising my exhaustion and laziness as meditation?

I have not been a regular at daily Mass in a while - doctor appointments, sick kids, wet hair, and other countless excuses - but I have started attending daily Adoration at a chapel in the next town over. What used to sound too impossible and far away to turn into a daily habit, has become just that.

And I have stopped praying my Rosary first thing when I wake up, as well as reading the daily Gospel before the kids start their day- but I have instead, been reading True Devotion, and journaling a whole lot - focusing on one paragraph or verse, and really digging deep. A book I thought I would never be excited to read (it took me four months to read four pages and I am not joking) is now that book I can not put down.

And I have been asking myself questions. LOTS of questions.

What are my useless thoughts?

What are my vain dreads?

What are my anxious imaginations?

What leads me to sin?

Where do I see disobedience in my daily life?

What brings error and darkness to my mind?

How is sin alluring to me in persons, places and things?

How do I judge others?

What is your will for me today, Father?

What are my temptations?

What weeds of my soul do I need to dig up at the root?

Where is my heart stubborn and impatient?

Am I living in a place of peace?

That last question? That was born out of a spontaneous lunch with a dear friend who decided over a plate of kale and salmon that from now on she will be praying for my peace. Because you know, at the end of the day, I think we are all searching for more than the sofa and wine...I think we are thirsting for peace. And I do believe that a habit of prayer and time with the Lord is the only way to achieve it. But here is the catch and the thing that I have had my eyes opened up to...this PEACE has got to last beyond our prayer time...for our prayer to be fruitful it MUST translate beyond the couch and candle. Prayer must translate into action and response, and if my actions and responses do not suggest that I am a woman of prayer than I have to wonder, what is the point of all of that prayer?

"The way to true peace is obedience to God's will. Doing this we also make a place of peace for all those around us." ( this was written in my journal and too good to be my own words but I have no idea who said it or where I read it...my guess is it is from True Devotion)

But I love it. A place of peace. I not only desire to find that place, but I long to be that place.

I guess all of this rambling has finally gotten me to my own point.

Am I a place of peace for others?

And if not...what needs to change?

Perhaps it is not that I have fallen away , but rather, been gently guided into. Like the soft way the cat rubs against my bare foot, or the brilliant way the sun shines through the glass door...Mary illuminates the way to her Son...and if I choose obedience, I notice. If I desire peace, I follow...