talking The change, The lost sheep, and The Hills....it must be Friday.

While driving the other day, my son -observing his sister wrapped up in her bedspread in the front seat - asked, "Why does Annie have a blanket?" And before I could reply, Annie answered,

"Because now that mom is going through the change she makes it freezing in here."

True.

In other news, I was called to get my changing body to Mass by the Holy Spirit this morning and so glad I responded to the call obediently. It is the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus

( a favorite) and the Gospel about the lost sheep (Luke 15:3-7, another favorite ).

How many of us have been that lost sheep?

How many of us are praying for our lost sheep?

And as I unceasingly pray for the flock of my own, the only words I could hear in the First Reading (Book of the Prophet Ezekiel 34:11-16) were : I myself and I will.

I myself will look after and tend the sheep.

I will rescue.

I will lead them...

I will bring them back...

I will seek out...

When the empty bank account, and calls from the collection agencies pile on top of the diseases I can't cure, the hurt I can't heal, the lost I can't find, the injured I can't bind up...the enemy - who is never too far from me - knows this is his chance to strike. All these burdens and unpleasant circumstances begin to convince me that I need to do it all, heal it all, figure it all out, and bring every one back into the fold. All. By. Myself. And then I look at the bank account. And the empty chair at the table. And the closed bedroom doors. And the pile of laundry, that has grown higher than my pile of hopes and dreams.

And then, I take one long look at my own changing reflection.

And I fall into a spiritual relapse.

They say when an addict relapses, they have been planning it for some time. The act of using...pouring the drink, popping the pill, smoking whatever...that is actually the end of the relapse. Interesting, right? When I heard this, it reminded me of sin. That slow building of thinking about it...delighting in it...imagining the happiness to come...which, of course, never does. And I immediately thought of Judas. Turning Jesus in was the end of his sin, not the beginning....for Satan entered him while he was planning.

It is the planning stage that beckons us to stay sober and vigilant.

And the word sober in Scripture is not lost on me.

I had been "planning" in my head all day yesterday....despite the sun and blue sky I was feeling scattered...all felt dark and cloudy....I could not gather my flock or more specifically, tend to each as needed...I was carrying their weariness and pain as if it were my own,

and I knew that when I grabbed my rosary before bed, I would most likely not complete it.

Or even start it.

And I was right.

What did I choose instead?

Video clips of The Hills on my phone.

Welcome back into my life Audrina and Brody...and if you do not know who they are well then you are better than me.

An old guilty pleasure...which quite frankly, is not that pleasurable, as I walked away from it more focused on the empty bank account and old, changing body. If you have ever watched The Hills, there is no shortage of money, and the bodies are sick perfection, and although they have "aged", they have not in the way that I have.

And as I sit and type out the words in my heart, the cat is curled up on top of my desk, sleeping on the stack of bills - too bad he can't pay them with his cuteness. And although my own flock is a bit scattered and away from the fold, I hold tight to the Lord's Words and more importantly, His promise...that it is God who will look after, God who will rescue and God who will heal. All He asks of me is to rejoice with Him when He brings them back home.

And even going through the change, that I can do.