BEST COOKIE RECIPE EVER.
ANGEL KISS COOKIES
YOU WILL NEED:
one or two bottles of wine (red or white, doesn't matter)
1 bag of tortilla chips (I prefer multi-grain, but you can use whatever you have)
1 large jar of medium to hot salsa (because mild is for babies)
2 sticks of butter, softened
1 8 oz. cream cheese, full fat, because according to Leviticus 3:16, "All the fat belongs to the Lord"
2 cups sugar (if you are trying to cut sugar out of your diet, you might want to start that after you eat these)
2 cups of flour (if you are trying to cut white flour out of your diet, you might want to never start that because that's just crazy talk. How will you eat bread?)
1 cup chopped DRIED apricots
1 cup white chocolate chips
LET'S START BAKING!
I like to play music while I bake. Pandora Matt Maher Holiday is my favorite, except I always have to skip the Mary Did You Know song, because well, she did know...
Open your bottle of wine and pour a glass.
Throw your butter into a mixer. And I do mean throw it. At this stressful time just days before Christmas, throwing things feels good.
Then toss the cream cheese in.
Unless you still have some anger in you.
Then go ahead and throw it, too.
Pour another glass of wine.
If you have the urge to pick up your entire mixer and throw it across the room, you might be experiencing emotions deeper than normal stress, in which case, I would suggest talking to your Pastor and finding some help. And pouring another glass of wine.
Have we mixed our butter and cream cheese yet?
Go ahead and do that.
Don't ask me for how long...I am not that kind of baker. Just mix it. It is not brain surgery.
While it mixes, pour your chips and salsa into bowls of your choice, and enjoy.
Then add the sugar. All of it. Have more wine.
When all these ingredients are combined, say a Hail Mary, pour more wine, and thank God for all the blessings in your life. Eat more chips and salsa. Thank God for chips and salsa too. Because truly, they are just so good.
Now you can SLOWLY add your flour, only, I am not there to see you add it, and so if you dump it in real fast, whatever. I don't do anything slowly. I have too much to do. Maybe you have time to add flour slowly, but I have toilets to clean and a Christmas dinner to prepare and a long haired female guinea pig to find in 24 hours....don't ask...just keep baking.
Now the fun stuff. Apricots and white chocolate chips. Go ahead and put them in, one chocolate chip at a time. This is important. Do not dump the cup of chocolate in. They must be put in individually, and you can pray a Hail Mary for each chip while you do it. Like the rosary.
I am kidding. Could you imagine? Dump it all in.
Pour more wine. If you finished the bottle, you need to buy the BIG bottles from Costco.
But go ahead, and open another bottle.
And have more chips and salsa.
I won't judge.
Only God can judge.
Get out your baking sheets, and there is no need to grease them...remember the two sticks of butter????
But don't worry. I just read a report that we should add more butter to our diets. At least two sticks a day. I also just read that butter paired with a bottle of wine is good for you too. So it's all good.
With a spoon, scoop out some batter and plop it onto the baking sheet. Don't ask me how big or how much, I am not that kind of baker, remember? I will say this, these cookies will spread, much like your thighs after you eat a dozen. So the bigger the ball of dough, the flatter the cookie. Personally, I keep them on the small side.
Oh, we never pre heated the oven. Oops. Do that now...350 degrees...and go ahead and have more wine and chips and salsa while the oven heats up. I believe in multi tasking.
Bake your cookies for about 10 minutes, but don't quote me on that. I like to "eyeball" the cookies. When they start to get brown edges, I pull them out and let them sit on the baking sheet for about 10 minutes before moving them to a cooling sheet, and eating them all while still standing.
If you have never made these cookies before, a couple of tips and warnings:
You are going to bake these longer than necessary and burn every single one. Please listen to me...they will NOT look cooked. They will be soft and mushy. And you are going to not listen to me, and keep them in the oven. But as soon as those edges start browning they ARE done. Take them out of the oven while repeating "Jesus I trust in you". They will continue to bake on the hot cookie sheet while they rest out of the oven. Please, oh you of so little faith....just do what I say.
this is not the PRETTY cookie on your platter. But we are not to go by looks alone. Don't you read your Bible?
this WILL be the BEST cookie on your platter. And you CAN quote me on that.
I have had Priests, who I gifted with this cookie, confess to ME that they ate them all ...AND...that they ate/stole their fellow Priests cookies, as well. This is a true story, and for the record, the Priest who stole and ate the cookies is no longer a Priest. Again, true story.
You WILL eat the broken cookies, still warm, right off of the baking sheet....and then you will proceed to eat the UNbroken cookies as well. And that is OK. The flesh is weak. I get it.
You will probably be drunk by the end of the night and feel like a bloated, shameful pig.
His mercies are new every morning.
Enjoy and Merry Christmas!