unholy sadness
I got up early to work on the manuscript of my book that is due at the end of this month. But THIS was on my heart to write, and share, instead. Meant for my amazing Patreon Community, I'm feeling like someone in this space might be needing to hear this today, as well. So there ya have it- a little slice of what goes on in my other writing space...God Bless.
There was a stretch of time where I found myself confessing the same sin. I am not talking about my everyday sins...the envy, jealousy, comparison, and pride that I wear like a favorite sweater that is filthy and worn but just can't bring myself to throw away. This was a big sin. An "unforgivable sin", which by the way, there is no such thing. I harbored such regret for this sin that it was all I could think about. And so I would confess it. Constantly. And after the Priest would absolve me, a few days later I would find myself picking it back up...taking it out of the trash and wearing it. I was no Elsa...there was no letting it go.
Do you have a sin you regret? If so, can I share a bit of wisdom with you that came across my path? Because it has changed my sadness over this deep regret once and for all.
"When we regret out sins because we hate our shame, when we indulge in self-condemnation when we focus on what great sinners we are and how foolish we have been, when we ask how could we possibly have done this, when, in short, we become preoccupied with the self, all of this engenders in us the sadness of pride, an unholy sadness that can lead to despair and death, as it did for Judas." (I Thirst, Joseph Langford, MC, p.120)
Peter and Judas, believe it or not, behaved very much alike. They both offended their friend, Jesus. They both turned their backs on him. Both sinned against Him in what they might call an "unforgivable sin". Their greatest difference? Peter's remorse was focused on how he hurt Jesus. His sorrow led Him back to his friend, with deeper love, humility, and eagerness to please Him. But Judas's focus remained on himself. What he did. The shame and sorrow. And the greatest tragedy in all of this is? Had Judas only changed the focus of his soul from himself to Jesus, he would have been forgiven. And not just forgiven, but probably would have become one of the greatest saints of all time. "Unforgivable sin" and all.
If there is a sin you are not letting go of, make no mistake. You are not holding on out of love of Jesus, but the love of yourself. Your pride and your ego. Jesus did not die for your perfection, He died for your sins. Allow your failures to lead you back to the Lord. Perhaps it will help to bring them to Jesus in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, not saying, "forgive me for I have sinned", but rather crying, "forgive me, Jesus, I have broken your heart."
